In a word.

I've been absorbed in the throes of my own drama. I've had so many realizations, but no true solutions come to my mind. Since I wrote last I read the book Eat. Pray. Love. I'd recommend it to anyone that's going through a serious crisis of wills... In the book, Liz Gilbert, the author, tells a story about every place and every person having a word.. I don't remember what hers was in the beginning... in the middle of the book she's "in-between" although I suppose that's 2 words actually... and in the end it's atraversiamo (if I spelled it right).. which means "to cross over".

If you asked any clinician what my word was.. it would probably be "depressed". Although I would never admit it or condone it. Depression still has negative connotations in my mind. I still don't think it applies to me. Perhaps malcontent.. but that's not right either.. although a bit more accurate as it's true - I'm not content with my life. Even more accurate would be words like "stuck", or "waiting". Because even though I know I've been moving forward, in time or otherwise, I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere - or at least closer to my "goal" - whatever that is.

I shouldn't say that, because I actually do have goals. I'm just not sure they'll make me happy. And therein lies the problem. What IS going to make me happy?

I keep waiting for something to happen. I put the thought out there.. sometimes even the actions - or at least get the ball rolling... and then I wait... and everything seems to fall apart in the meantime. And at the end, I feel even further behind than I was when I started. Perhaps that's because I've now exhausted another possibility - thus chalking off one more thing that I now cannot do.

It's become painfully obvious to me that I'm doing far more waiting than "doing" towards getting from point A to B. Perhaps a Life Coach is in order, and yet that requires something I don't have - cash... what number is that problem in the scheme of problems I'm dealing with right now? 1, 2, 3, 8?
I know it's in there somewhere.

I've considered all of the metaphysics of it.. not sure that I find much value in any of that. What are my options? I need to think harder? purify my thoughts about it? project into the future what I want? try to see myself doing/being it? set the intention to the Universe?
I didn't have as hard of a time "manifesting" things, before when I didn't spend all this time thinking about manifesting them. That seems backwards... or at least a big step backwards.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I know that I'm affecting other people - my decisions and my actions are. This may not be a good thing. I've caught myself doing things over the last week that are "made for TV movie" shit. Why? Why? Why did I enter into something that I KNEW was not only going to blow up in my face - but ended up blowing up in other people's faces too? I'm sure I've seriously fucked things up.. I'll let myself off the hook a little. They needed to know what they were dealing with. But man, they didn't need that baggage. I don't know if it really made things worse over the long haul - but short term it sucks ass. Did I do it because I wanted him to show how much of an ass he is? Maybe. Bad motivation.

Actually, that wasn't my motivation going into it at all. I hoped that he would show some shred of compassion for me and the boys. I'd forgotten how selfish and confused he is. Well, "confused" is another word that could describe me. I'd forgotten that he'd never showed me one shred of kindness while we were together. Why would he do that now? I guess maybe I thought he had changed. I have. It made/makes me sad. I don't know how to resolve that.

It's also become painfully obvious that I have no one to turn to. I have no lover - nor do I currently want one. I have no close friends. I have my mother. I can't call up my mother and say "hey mom, i'm having problems resolving my issues with sex. you see - you told me it was bad and dirty and so part of me still believes this. I won't tell you how many people I've slept with, but it's more than one. Because of how I was raised, I'm not ashamed of this. So what should I do?". Not a conversation that I can have with her.
I only ever had one person that I could talk to on this level. He was my lover. He hurt me deeply, and I let him. And even still, I couldn't talk to him. It occurred to me today that I should call him. I won't. I don't even have his number anymore. Nor could I find it without talking to some other people that I don't have any business talking to.

So, I'm alone. Not just literally, but figuratively. I like it better, and I don't like it better that way. No disappointment. No loss of expectations. But there's also no one to brush your hair out of your face and no shoulders to cry on. No one to bounce ideas off of or to build excitement with. There are good and bad sides to being alone. Besides the fact that you only have to pick up your own clothes off the floor and you can literally sleep on the entire bed, you have to write down all your thoughts in places like this - because well, there's no one else to hear them but you. Blogs become therapy. Facebook becomes your only link to the outside world. You no longer really "know" anybody in person. And all the physicality of the human condition is lost. "Lost".

"Trapped"? Maybe that's a good word to describe where I am right now. But I did it to myself. I did. And for the most part, it was conscious. You see, all this "aloneness" was entirely manufactured by yours truly. And I've made it stay that way - despite the profound feeling of lack of connection with everything and everyone. I've sequestered myself in this place, and I've sequestered myself in this body. I've made myself untouchable - whether it's by lack of physical availability or by emotional. It doesn't matter. I know that I've done this. I know that I'm doing this. But I can't seem to bring myself to change it. I want so badly to BE someone/something else. I want so badly to DO something else. But yet I sit here and do nothing.

It's all so fucked up.

In the last year, I went from thinking I knew what I wanted to do and how I was going to get there - to maybe knowing what I want to do - but having no clue how I'm going to get there. Every plan that I come up with seems to fail - at least in the short term. I've never been very patient. In the last 10 years I've changed almost everything I know. From my marital status to my appearance. Some things have come around. I'm fat again. I'm pretty sure 10 years ago I was fat.. or close to fat. I'm back doing web work.. something which I loathe. I didn't swear I'd never do it again.. I just didn't want to. I feel like it's a waste of time - as if me spending time doing that is time taken away from doing something more important and meaningful. .. whatever that is. The boys are still here. But they're getting older. Monster the cat is still alive... but just barely... and there are a few other consistencies.. but not much. I never thought I'd see myself in this place.. in this space/mindset. It upsets me that things have gotten this out of hand.

My ambitions seem so far away from where I am. As if there's nothing I can do, short of dream/fantasize about them..as if there's no way that I could ever achieve them with where I am now.. And I think that's right. I can't. I can't achieve what I want with where I am now - with my schooling, with my brainspace with my circumstances. Something has to give.

It occurred to me that maybe I want too much. Is that possible? Unrealistic? Some people aspire to be multi-billionaires.. I'm not quite that crazy. But I certainly didn't think I'd be in my mid/upper 30s and not have any clear cut plan or prospects. I've literally started over from scratch - except scratch is a step up. I've got a 'family'. But my family is 2 pre/teenagers, that soon probably won't want anything to do with me.. and frankly will probably be more fucked up than I can fix given what they've had to deal with. I have no house of my own. No career. I don't have anything that I really want. There's no security. No plan. If I had a plan and things appeared to be moving in the right direction, maybe I wouldn't feel so uneasy about everything. But I really don't have a clue where things are going. "Clueless". That's another word.

Looking back a couple of years ago.. In the time between the separation/having to take a break from school, and starting back again.. I had a clue... I knew what was happening next. I let myself go. Granted, I did some pretty irresponsible things as well.. but I felt so free. It was all laid out for me. But that really changed when I went back to school. I tried to hold onto some of that freedom, but really struggled with being locked in. I think some of me just wanted to be free - to live my life recreationally and without any real restrictions. it was easier that way. I'd never had that before - not even when I was a little kid. It was nice. I think it was attractive too... to others.. or at least it appeared so.. but I felt better about myself than I do now.

Everything fell apart last summer. School died. My prospects died. My libido died. I talked my brain into total destruction and walked further away from, at least in a lot of senses, independence. This was the opposite direction from where I wanted to go. It's the opposite direction from where I want to go now. I want to at least feel like I'm working toward something - to be able to see progress. My mother says that we're further along the path just because time has passed. I don't really agree with that. I think often we can take steps back, at least partially. That's where I am. "Backwards."

I keep thinking I should write a book. But what would it say? People have told me I should write about my stories with men. That would have to be published under a pen name or after my parents were dead or too crazy to be able to read it and remember. I'd have to go back in my mind and talk about every dysfunction and every disappointment. I don't know that I can do that. I think most of the disappointment was in me than in the guy. Not to say that the guys weren't disappointing.. but you have to love yourself and give yourself credit before you can expect to attract someone worthy, right? I was into guys that were into me. That's how the story went. The only one I ever cared about was one I was into for myself. It turns out that he just wasn't all that into me. Sound familiar? Of course that made me doubt myself all that much more. "Doubtful."

Only once did I ever think that I attracted the kind of guy that I wanted. Turns out he wasn't.. because he left. Maybe I don't know what I want. Maybe that's the problem. I didn't used to worry about it. It didn't occur to me.. I did some research, made a decision, and I carried it out. It's not so simply anymore. I miss the simple days. It wasn't so much instant gratification, but it was closer. It wasn't this long, drawn out, painful process that may or may not be realized. It really was simple. 3 steps.  Wham, Bam, Thankyouma'am. just 3. think.make.realize. That's it. And somewhere in between that and this I lost that. Whether I lost the ability to act that way because I loaded myself down with so much bullshit or whether I just somehow became incapable of being that succinct. I don't know. Maybe it was never that simple, and I just have selective memory. Either way, it's not what I want.. Ah, see.. I know what I DON'T want. That doesn't help me.. the wanting part is more specific I think.

the next step is everything. I'm at a cross-roads. "Cross-roads." oy! what I do next will impact my life and the kids' lives forever. As if that doesn't happen on a daily basis anyway.. but seriously. My "plan Q" is something that I'm not all that excited about. It feels like I'm being forced to take on the family business, which just happens to be a funeral home, or working in the family hardware store - even though I don't want to. In reality, I wouldn't mind working in a hardware store - not as a career, but I think it might be fun. Not so sure about the funeral home thing though - dead people give me the willies. The thing is, if I take plan Q, then I'm settling in a sense. I don't know if I can be ok with that. I feel like I've spent most of my life settling. Whether it was settling for something or someone less than what I deserved or settling down. I didn't much care for any of those options. Now I think I've found what I want to do - what "might" make me happy (yes I know - only I can make myself happy), and I can't seem to bring it together. This makes me very frustrated. "Frustrated." That's a perfect word.

I do know one thing though. I can't stay where I am. "Stuck." may be appropriate for how I feel, but it's not somthing that I want to perpetuate. I'd much rather have words like "Healthy." "Creative." "Passionate." "Driven." "Loved." I'm sure there are a few more that would be appropriate. Maybe I can choose a word in between for right now. Although it's still not "where" I want to be - at least it's in the process of something. Perhaps that word should be.. "Thinking."

here we are again

it's 4 am and I'm wide awake...watching avatar for the 8 millionth time..wondering what I'm going to do
And what's going to happen. It's a bizarre state of mind. I met with an attorney today and she basically told me
That I was screwed...there was very little chance that I would win the case, but she didn't discourage me from filing an exception. She told me what wording to use and how specific to be. I got the impression that this was one of those situations where it was a shot in the wind, but maybe there's a chance that that shot might make it. We'll never know unless we try. I wish my mind was calm and I felt guided about what was going on. It's hard to grasp the idea of having to do something different. I loathe the idea of continuously being under his control.

she said that if I get a reheearing I have to either get a lawyer or figure out how to submit evidence. Also I need to take a different approach. I am not exactly sure what that is but I am already thinking about it. The only thing I think I can do at this point is throw him into the fire. If I give him, plainly, every opportunity to be involved...note everything, and he still chooses to not be involved then it will be plain and easy to prove to the courts that he doesn't care....I've already given him 2 opportunities to replace greys glasses and he's ignored both. When asked about paying the medical bills he said he was sorry that I wastoo impatient to deal wit his timelines. He said he should probably pay some of those bills and that he'd get around to it.

the attorney today said it wasn't uncommon for things like this to happen. I understand and historically I couldntexpect him to be responsible but I will hold him responsible. I hope that the courts do as well. I will, regardless of rehearing or not, pursue that. When I go into the courts to file the exception I will file the motion there and submit all of thebills and paperwork for the medical bills.

I wish I knew what would happen. I wish I knew what to do. I haate indecision - for all that I am I hate it. I hate inaction andoften one breeds the other. I hate having no clear plan or goal. Maybe I do still. Have one- but I need to expand my idea ofwhat all that entails.that idea probably merits someserious explloration.

I don't know that anything will come of it - I don't have much faith..but I mentioned to him the possibility of chicago or nc s a place to move instead of living here. I think I may also open up florida as well. Things may improve if I can create some distance but also stay a little bit close. He may think that's a tether but I know it will be different. There's a lot to think about. It looks like tonight is the night todoit.

where to begin.. where to end?

I don't even know where to begin... In the last day, everything that I was planning for has been lost. Everything that I've been working for for at least the last year has been lost. The magistrate ruled against me. I can't leave. I'm literally stuck here. I'm in the same position that I started in over a year ago... no prospects, no ambition.. just more debt, no savings, more frustration... except now there's a piece of paper that says I can't get out of it.
I'm still a little bit numb. I'm so angry. Everyone is telling me to fight. It seems like every time I fight lately (last 5 years), I lose. Nothing has gone how it was supposed to go. There's no support. there's no plan.

Some part in the back of my head keeps smiling and well, grinning actually, and saying.. don't worry honey - it's all going to be fine.. you'll see.. and not in a patronizing way - but in a knowing way. I wish I had her insight. I wish I knew what it was that she knew - because the rest of me is worried about what I'm going to do now - and knows that right now - there's no where to go, nothing to do, but she can't stay here.

As things stand right now, I'm looking at destitution within the next year if not sooner. Once child support changes next September, my "income" halves and I have no way to pay rent or bills or anything else. I can't let this happen.

I feel so lost.. I have a goal, I have a purpose, I have an acceptance! and I can't use it. I don't understand.

Where to go from here?

I have no idea... my mind has been such a swirly mess of coherent and incoherent thoughts for the last few days I can't even begin to sort them out.
I had the lovely experience of remembering that I was an attractive, sexual being last night. Yes I know.. I didn't do anything that I truly regret and that's good. To make a long story short I spent a short bit of time kissing a very beautiful and very young (22) year old man. He was/is completely and totally wrong for me and I know and knew this at the time - but I like to look at it as us sharing something that each other needed. I have no idea if this will change my perspective or availability or willingness to become involved with anyone, but at least it was nice while it went on. He was/is quite beautiful and not a bad kisser.. this was nice.

The time that we spent together reminded me full throttle of what it is that I want and what I'm looking for in a lover. He wasn't it. I'm grateful for the clarification - tremendously grateful. I wish that I could manifest what I am looking for. Of course it's a tall order but I think it's doable. And when the time is right, this person will appear - not until then. And perhaps they won't appear - and that means that the time isn't right - and that's ok as well.

I made it down to the water today at the end of the eclipse. I had hoped to get there before it started but I was slack and being lazy - nothing like rushing until the last minute. The stronger I focused on moving energy the bigger the waves got. It was interesting and a little bit scary. The currents were SOOO strong and carrying me down the beach. Finally I walked out and the waves were crashing on me, almost pushing me out as I walked away - we're done with you - they said.. I understand. I think it's inevitable that our relationship is coming to a close. I hope the water is as ok with it as I think I am.

Grey called me as I was on my way down to the water. I told him about the eclipse and how we're supposed to be focusing on new beginnings.. he's still assuming that we're moving. I hope he's right. Regardless of whether things come through so we can move - I know that I need to refocus my energies on several new things. I've been waiting and waiting for this major shift to start over. Regardless of my geographic location - I need to startover. I really need to surround myself with people that align with where I am. Despite how beautiful they may be.. 22 year old men don't seem to cut my idea of romantic partners. People who use drugs don't appeal to me. People obsessed with society and appearances don't align with my ideals. People interested solely in physical relationships don't share my energy. There's nothing wrong with me focusing on making my financial life easier. I'm acknowledging that and I really want to take that bull by the horns, so to speak. I have some ideas. Learning the circumstances over the next week or so will help with making those plans. I'm only waiting to find out the geography and what goes with it - not anything else. I think that leaving will be easier in that respect but I don't know.

There's a lot to think about.
I am soooo grateful for the clarity that's come over this time since Wednesday afternoon really. I'm grateful for the ideas that have come, the energy from people that I've been in contact with and have met. I'm grateful for the sharing that people have given - even when they didn't realize it.. and I'm grateful for the support.. SOOO grateful for the support - from friends, from family (yes thank you Mom and DAD!!!) and from Grey who has got to be the most amazing kid ever. I hope that we are able to move just for the amount of energy that he's put into this.. Bless his sweet ginormous heart. That kid could heal the world.

I feel an enormous amount of love and hope. I'm doing my best (I hope) to quash the voice of fear. It gets smaller and smaller.

Feeling impotent...

My mood hasn't really changed.. The problem is that I keep thinking. yeah I know..

I wish that I had more guidance about what was happening and what I need to be doing right now. There was no mail today, not that that surprises me. So there is, in essence, no decision and no destination. So what do I do now? Sit and watch tv? laundry? ok, I can do laundry.. that needs to be done no matter what. That's what I'm trying to do - the stuff that needs to be done anyway. It would be more helpful though if I knew that I had to put all the furniture up for sale, or that I had to finish packing everything, or that I had to make other arrangements for stuff.. I really just want to know. I need to know. I'll deal with the fallout. I'm good at that. Even though it might or might not make me happy. Even though it might be an adjustment etc, I will deal with it.. (there's positive and negative fallout of course).
I just need to know what to do... Fear of the unknown? is that at play here? I guess so...

I feel like I planned ahead a lot but there are a lot of things left undone because I've been waiting for this decision. I know that there's a lot of work that I need to do to get out of here and also that I need to come up with some money. But then again, my boss owes me a good bit of money and that would help. Jamie owes me money as well - a rather large amount actually.  it'll be harder to get that than it will be to get money from my boss I think - although it always feels like he's trying to stiff me for what he owes me (my boss). perhaps if I let go of that thought he will start paying me in a reasonable amount of time. That would be nice. I'm still hopeful.

and that's the thing.. for as much as I obsess and worry.. I'm still hopeful.. the eternal optimist in the end. I know it will all work out - why? because it always does. The problem is that I think I've become attached to a specific outcome. Even with all of my lee-way in there I'm attached. Expecting THIS to happen. That might not be the case. It might be something else that I'd considered or not considered. As the magistrate said in court the other day - not everybody is going to be happy here - in fact you both might not be. That's something that I will have to live with. Regardless of what the decision is, I know that I have to make it work -and I have to do that gladly and with a healthy heart. I think that that might be the hardest pill to swallow so to speak.. especially if there's struggle and further strong regrouping involved...

The impotence comes in where I feel like there's nothing I can do at the moment to really get things moving... because I'm waiting on the decision to well, decide mine and the boys' futures... until that happens the only thing I can do is either go out on a limb - which might not be a bad thing.. do nothing.. not usually a good idea.. or do what needed to be done anyway.. perhaps I'll do a mixture of all 3 until things come through...i'll still probably feel impotent, but at least I'll know that I'm really not...

pre-occupation?

both twists to this... pre-occupation being before my occupation and also the idea of being occupied with something else...

yesterday morning I was freaking out... mostly because of the uncertainty of everything right now.. not knowing how to procede.. what I'm supposed to be doing.. what is going to happen etc. I really don't know what will happen. The pessimist in me thinks that we will have to stay and I'll have to regroup. The rest of me wants to fly. Either way I need to get ahold of the pessimist part and beat the shit out of her.

Regardless, I tried to focus yesterday afternoon on anything but thinking/worrying about the uncertainty. It worked and I'm feeling better. I went to the Blueberry Patch last night and talked with some great people, some interesting people, and some interesting but extremely intoxicating people. It reminded me of 2 things. There MAY be people in this area that I can associate with that aren't trashed all the time and that most of the men that are attracted to me want me for sex and/or are not what I'm looking for. My thought this morning in all of this is.. why at the last minute would I come into contact with people that I might actually get along with right before I leave? Maybe there's something to be said for that - maybe it's so I won't have a bad taste in my mouth as I'm leaving and send some healing energy to this place. I acknowledge that I can do that and probably "should". And so I'm doing that right now. I have been unduly harsh to this area over the last year. I acknowledge that, regardless of the "energy" here, I created my own reality and I am the only one that fixes it. If I fell prey to any energy surrounding it, then that is something that I need to be more sensitive of and responsive to.
While I still would prefer to move out West, or at least somewhere where I feel more comfortable, I acknowledge (and I think I've been aware of this) that there will be challenges to doing so. I know that I need to be more conscious of a lot of things as I'm doing this.. my relationship with money, my ability to reach out to others and ask for help in whatever capacity, and my willingness to submit to and create connections with people. Connections are something that I crave and yet I hold back on them dearly. A lot of this is done in fear but some of it is done (or not done as it were) in arrogance - believing that I am the only one - that no one will be where I am... I think this is foolish no matter how likely or unlikely the possibility is. The truth is that I won't know unless I extend myself in that way.

The financial issues are something else entirely. I've had a very linear non-relationship with money for quite some time. The truth is that I have no idea how to handle money and yet I do know. I could be a lot more responsible and a lot more responsive and creative with it. This is something that I need to keep and hold conscious in my heart and in my mind. For the last year especially I have been living "paycheck to paycheck" basically - barely surviving, juggling and falling behind on my bills. This causes me an INTENSE amount of stress.  It's a horrible position to be in and I despise the fact that I've put myself in this situation. My plan for getting out of it is to, well, in a sense, go more into debt. This is the American way, right? I know that I won't be able to (at least with my current mindset) be able to make any money/have a career in anything, unless I go back to school and complete some line of study. And so that's where the debt comes in. I'm ok with that as long as I put forth every effort to plan for the future and work towards the goal of financial security.. not necessarily in the sense that others might do so - but in the sense of not having to worry and fret from paycheck to paycheck, depend on any other resource for money, or fall behind on any bills etc.

I would really like to not have to depend on anyone else for money. I hate the fact that I receive child support and can't currently support myself and the boys. This is something that I want to change. I appreciate it. I'm grateful for it - especially now that I've needed it and it's helped tremendously. but I'd prefer to not need it. In other words, I'd prefer to be financially independent. Please don't misconstrue that Universe.
I would like to have an occupation that aligns with my morals/ethics, abilities, passions that provides for my family and ambitions.
My hope is that I'll be able to complete my medical degree and set up a practice that will help me do that. I think this is feasible. I am still hoping that the courts will let us leave, even though that damn part of me is giving me backtalk as usual.. how do I shut that thing up?????

Regardless of what happens, this is one of the goals I want to work for - to be self-sufficient, independent, and be able to take care of myself and the boys on my own.

I realize that I need to let down some walls as well, and be willing to connect with others on a different level than I have been. It's been hard for me to put myself out there.. I'm not entirely sure why.. I know fear is a big aspect of that but there's more to it. I do feel, a lot, like I'm an "island" of sorts. So many people that I meet just don't feel aligned with where I am. A lot of people that I "meet" long distance feel closer and that's one of the reasons why I want to move - to be closer to where that energy is. I need to recognize though that geography means very little and to an extent, that can be overcome. Not by me, the voice says.. STFU stupid voice. I may be constrained by some limitations. If necessary, I think these can be overcome - it may take a bit of work but it can.. I have faith. I need to remind myself that wherever I am is where I am supposed to be for that time and accept that. It's hard sometimes.

While I relish the silence and to an extent the lack of activity, I also acknowledge that I crave being busy and when I'm not I have WAY too much time to myself to think. I obsess, I conspire against myself, I plot, I obsess, I obsess, I obsess.. did I say I obsess? oh yeah, I obsess. I worry about things that I could either put energy towards fixing instead of worrying about, or have no business worrying about. I tend to create the situations that I get into by worrying them into being. I really want to stop that. I really want to actively be creating my circumstances in a positive manner.

Ideally..
I would like to move to Arizona and get settled in a house with the boys. I want to be comfortable. I want to take control of my finances - by being resourceful, by bringing in enough money to set up house, be comfortable, pay my bills, save up money just in case, and even start to pay down my loans. I'd like to be able to pay down my loans at least to the point of paying off the interest every year until I have to go into repayment. My hope is that a) some of the loans will be forgiven without indentured servitude. b) that I can find a way to easily repay them - whether it's by contributing service towards a worthy organization like indian health services, or paying them back c) that I'll be able to repay some of them while I'm in school d) that I'll be able to set up a lucrative enough practice to not only be able to pay off my loans, but to buy/renovate a house comfortably, build the family, finance the boys' education, and whatever else. I want to be able to finance vacations and trips back and forth for the boys. I think that's very important and of course the trips back and forth will be crucial legally. I think I can do that. I have to make it a priority to save for that before I do anything else with any money that I receive. I want to meet someone that I can have a real relationship with there - someone to build the family with. I want to build a community there - a real one - one like what I have in mind. The kind of support network that I've been dreaming of with really close friends and gatherings and really becoming a family. I want to let my guard down so I can make that or let that happen. It's important. While the boys and I are a real family.. I want a REAL family.. the kind with stability and cheesy family events and pictures on the walls and stuff.. That's what I want to build in Arizona. There's so much that I want to do and I feel like it would be better facilitated there. I want them to grow up big and strong and to be real respectful men. I want them to be happy. I want them to have stability. I think that I can provide that. So, now we wait and see what happens... where it happens.. and how is kind of irrelevant...although somewhat....open mind, open heart, open healing.. I need to work on that...

and now we wait...

I'm so frustrated, and tired.
Yesterday was the hearing to decide if I could move and go to school and take the boys with me. I went in and presented my case. I did everything I could. Jamie blathered on and on and made up a lot of stuff. The magistrate couldn't decide. She said she had to look at all of the information and sleep on it and then she'd let us know what her decision was. I thought I was pretty good about taking the high road. I probably could've been better, and now I'm kicking myself for it. I'm angry with myself. Of course I am. Because now, everything hangs in the balance of one woman's decision, and it's not mine. I'm so tired of giving or feeling like or whatever someone else has control over me. This has been a thread in my life for quite some time and I'm over it. I want to build for myself MY life. I want to hold the cards and call the shots. I'm tired of this. I'm disappointed and don't know what to think.

I want so badly to move on from this. To move on from the life that I've created here and start over would be so amazing. I feel like I've outgrown the area and that the kids have outgrown the area and we just need to move away and start over. I don't feel like I can accomplish what it seems like I was meant to do here at all. I can't learn what I was meant to learn. I can't go where I need to go. The "family" just isn't here and neither is the Energy. We have one support person here and she has her own life to be lived. I have felt more and more that we are finished here and will be moving on. I hope that that's right.

It's hard to be positive about this, and I know that I need to put focused energy on myself out in Arizona until we find out what her decision was. I guess that I should continue packing and preparing for the move as if it is still going to happen. I hope it does. I need this. The boys need this. I'm tired of being stuck in the negative.
I'm ready to move on.