here we are again

it's 4 am and I'm wide awake...watching avatar for the 8 millionth time..wondering what I'm going to do
And what's going to happen. It's a bizarre state of mind. I met with an attorney today and she basically told me
That I was screwed...there was very little chance that I would win the case, but she didn't discourage me from filing an exception. She told me what wording to use and how specific to be. I got the impression that this was one of those situations where it was a shot in the wind, but maybe there's a chance that that shot might make it. We'll never know unless we try. I wish my mind was calm and I felt guided about what was going on. It's hard to grasp the idea of having to do something different. I loathe the idea of continuously being under his control.

she said that if I get a reheearing I have to either get a lawyer or figure out how to submit evidence. Also I need to take a different approach. I am not exactly sure what that is but I am already thinking about it. The only thing I think I can do at this point is throw him into the fire. If I give him, plainly, every opportunity to be involved...note everything, and he still chooses to not be involved then it will be plain and easy to prove to the courts that he doesn't care....I've already given him 2 opportunities to replace greys glasses and he's ignored both. When asked about paying the medical bills he said he was sorry that I wastoo impatient to deal wit his timelines. He said he should probably pay some of those bills and that he'd get around to it.

the attorney today said it wasn't uncommon for things like this to happen. I understand and historically I couldntexpect him to be responsible but I will hold him responsible. I hope that the courts do as well. I will, regardless of rehearing or not, pursue that. When I go into the courts to file the exception I will file the motion there and submit all of thebills and paperwork for the medical bills.

I wish I knew what would happen. I wish I knew what to do. I haate indecision - for all that I am I hate it. I hate inaction andoften one breeds the other. I hate having no clear plan or goal. Maybe I do still. Have one- but I need to expand my idea ofwhat all that entails.that idea probably merits someserious explloration.

I don't know that anything will come of it - I don't have much faith..but I mentioned to him the possibility of chicago or nc s a place to move instead of living here. I think I may also open up florida as well. Things may improve if I can create some distance but also stay a little bit close. He may think that's a tether but I know it will be different. There's a lot to think about. It looks like tonight is the night todoit.