and now we wait...

I'm so frustrated, and tired.
Yesterday was the hearing to decide if I could move and go to school and take the boys with me. I went in and presented my case. I did everything I could. Jamie blathered on and on and made up a lot of stuff. The magistrate couldn't decide. She said she had to look at all of the information and sleep on it and then she'd let us know what her decision was. I thought I was pretty good about taking the high road. I probably could've been better, and now I'm kicking myself for it. I'm angry with myself. Of course I am. Because now, everything hangs in the balance of one woman's decision, and it's not mine. I'm so tired of giving or feeling like or whatever someone else has control over me. This has been a thread in my life for quite some time and I'm over it. I want to build for myself MY life. I want to hold the cards and call the shots. I'm tired of this. I'm disappointed and don't know what to think.

I want so badly to move on from this. To move on from the life that I've created here and start over would be so amazing. I feel like I've outgrown the area and that the kids have outgrown the area and we just need to move away and start over. I don't feel like I can accomplish what it seems like I was meant to do here at all. I can't learn what I was meant to learn. I can't go where I need to go. The "family" just isn't here and neither is the Energy. We have one support person here and she has her own life to be lived. I have felt more and more that we are finished here and will be moving on. I hope that that's right.

It's hard to be positive about this, and I know that I need to put focused energy on myself out in Arizona until we find out what her decision was. I guess that I should continue packing and preparing for the move as if it is still going to happen. I hope it does. I need this. The boys need this. I'm tired of being stuck in the negative.
I'm ready to move on.