Where to go from here?

I have no idea... my mind has been such a swirly mess of coherent and incoherent thoughts for the last few days I can't even begin to sort them out.
I had the lovely experience of remembering that I was an attractive, sexual being last night. Yes I know.. I didn't do anything that I truly regret and that's good. To make a long story short I spent a short bit of time kissing a very beautiful and very young (22) year old man. He was/is completely and totally wrong for me and I know and knew this at the time - but I like to look at it as us sharing something that each other needed. I have no idea if this will change my perspective or availability or willingness to become involved with anyone, but at least it was nice while it went on. He was/is quite beautiful and not a bad kisser.. this was nice.

The time that we spent together reminded me full throttle of what it is that I want and what I'm looking for in a lover. He wasn't it. I'm grateful for the clarification - tremendously grateful. I wish that I could manifest what I am looking for. Of course it's a tall order but I think it's doable. And when the time is right, this person will appear - not until then. And perhaps they won't appear - and that means that the time isn't right - and that's ok as well.

I made it down to the water today at the end of the eclipse. I had hoped to get there before it started but I was slack and being lazy - nothing like rushing until the last minute. The stronger I focused on moving energy the bigger the waves got. It was interesting and a little bit scary. The currents were SOOO strong and carrying me down the beach. Finally I walked out and the waves were crashing on me, almost pushing me out as I walked away - we're done with you - they said.. I understand. I think it's inevitable that our relationship is coming to a close. I hope the water is as ok with it as I think I am.

Grey called me as I was on my way down to the water. I told him about the eclipse and how we're supposed to be focusing on new beginnings.. he's still assuming that we're moving. I hope he's right. Regardless of whether things come through so we can move - I know that I need to refocus my energies on several new things. I've been waiting and waiting for this major shift to start over. Regardless of my geographic location - I need to startover. I really need to surround myself with people that align with where I am. Despite how beautiful they may be.. 22 year old men don't seem to cut my idea of romantic partners. People who use drugs don't appeal to me. People obsessed with society and appearances don't align with my ideals. People interested solely in physical relationships don't share my energy. There's nothing wrong with me focusing on making my financial life easier. I'm acknowledging that and I really want to take that bull by the horns, so to speak. I have some ideas. Learning the circumstances over the next week or so will help with making those plans. I'm only waiting to find out the geography and what goes with it - not anything else. I think that leaving will be easier in that respect but I don't know.

There's a lot to think about.
I am soooo grateful for the clarity that's come over this time since Wednesday afternoon really. I'm grateful for the ideas that have come, the energy from people that I've been in contact with and have met. I'm grateful for the sharing that people have given - even when they didn't realize it.. and I'm grateful for the support.. SOOO grateful for the support - from friends, from family (yes thank you Mom and DAD!!!) and from Grey who has got to be the most amazing kid ever. I hope that we are able to move just for the amount of energy that he's put into this.. Bless his sweet ginormous heart. That kid could heal the world.

I feel an enormous amount of love and hope. I'm doing my best (I hope) to quash the voice of fear. It gets smaller and smaller.