Feeling impotent...

My mood hasn't really changed.. The problem is that I keep thinking. yeah I know..

I wish that I had more guidance about what was happening and what I need to be doing right now. There was no mail today, not that that surprises me. So there is, in essence, no decision and no destination. So what do I do now? Sit and watch tv? laundry? ok, I can do laundry.. that needs to be done no matter what. That's what I'm trying to do - the stuff that needs to be done anyway. It would be more helpful though if I knew that I had to put all the furniture up for sale, or that I had to finish packing everything, or that I had to make other arrangements for stuff.. I really just want to know. I need to know. I'll deal with the fallout. I'm good at that. Even though it might or might not make me happy. Even though it might be an adjustment etc, I will deal with it.. (there's positive and negative fallout of course).
I just need to know what to do... Fear of the unknown? is that at play here? I guess so...

I feel like I planned ahead a lot but there are a lot of things left undone because I've been waiting for this decision. I know that there's a lot of work that I need to do to get out of here and also that I need to come up with some money. But then again, my boss owes me a good bit of money and that would help. Jamie owes me money as well - a rather large amount actually.  it'll be harder to get that than it will be to get money from my boss I think - although it always feels like he's trying to stiff me for what he owes me (my boss). perhaps if I let go of that thought he will start paying me in a reasonable amount of time. That would be nice. I'm still hopeful.

and that's the thing.. for as much as I obsess and worry.. I'm still hopeful.. the eternal optimist in the end. I know it will all work out - why? because it always does. The problem is that I think I've become attached to a specific outcome. Even with all of my lee-way in there I'm attached. Expecting THIS to happen. That might not be the case. It might be something else that I'd considered or not considered. As the magistrate said in court the other day - not everybody is going to be happy here - in fact you both might not be. That's something that I will have to live with. Regardless of what the decision is, I know that I have to make it work -and I have to do that gladly and with a healthy heart. I think that that might be the hardest pill to swallow so to speak.. especially if there's struggle and further strong regrouping involved...

The impotence comes in where I feel like there's nothing I can do at the moment to really get things moving... because I'm waiting on the decision to well, decide mine and the boys' futures... until that happens the only thing I can do is either go out on a limb - which might not be a bad thing.. do nothing.. not usually a good idea.. or do what needed to be done anyway.. perhaps I'll do a mixture of all 3 until things come through...i'll still probably feel impotent, but at least I'll know that I'm really not...