here we are again

it's 4 am and I'm wide awake...watching avatar for the 8 millionth time..wondering what I'm going to do
And what's going to happen. It's a bizarre state of mind. I met with an attorney today and she basically told me
That I was screwed...there was very little chance that I would win the case, but she didn't discourage me from filing an exception. She told me what wording to use and how specific to be. I got the impression that this was one of those situations where it was a shot in the wind, but maybe there's a chance that that shot might make it. We'll never know unless we try. I wish my mind was calm and I felt guided about what was going on. It's hard to grasp the idea of having to do something different. I loathe the idea of continuously being under his control.

she said that if I get a reheearing I have to either get a lawyer or figure out how to submit evidence. Also I need to take a different approach. I am not exactly sure what that is but I am already thinking about it. The only thing I think I can do at this point is throw him into the fire. If I give him, plainly, every opportunity to be involved...note everything, and he still chooses to not be involved then it will be plain and easy to prove to the courts that he doesn't care....I've already given him 2 opportunities to replace greys glasses and he's ignored both. When asked about paying the medical bills he said he was sorry that I wastoo impatient to deal wit his timelines. He said he should probably pay some of those bills and that he'd get around to it.

the attorney today said it wasn't uncommon for things like this to happen. I understand and historically I couldntexpect him to be responsible but I will hold him responsible. I hope that the courts do as well. I will, regardless of rehearing or not, pursue that. When I go into the courts to file the exception I will file the motion there and submit all of thebills and paperwork for the medical bills.

I wish I knew what would happen. I wish I knew what to do. I haate indecision - for all that I am I hate it. I hate inaction andoften one breeds the other. I hate having no clear plan or goal. Maybe I do still. Have one- but I need to expand my idea ofwhat all that entails.that idea probably merits someserious explloration.

I don't know that anything will come of it - I don't have much faith..but I mentioned to him the possibility of chicago or nc s a place to move instead of living here. I think I may also open up florida as well. Things may improve if I can create some distance but also stay a little bit close. He may think that's a tether but I know it will be different. There's a lot to think about. It looks like tonight is the night todoit.

where to begin.. where to end?

I don't even know where to begin... In the last day, everything that I was planning for has been lost. Everything that I've been working for for at least the last year has been lost. The magistrate ruled against me. I can't leave. I'm literally stuck here. I'm in the same position that I started in over a year ago... no prospects, no ambition.. just more debt, no savings, more frustration... except now there's a piece of paper that says I can't get out of it.
I'm still a little bit numb. I'm so angry. Everyone is telling me to fight. It seems like every time I fight lately (last 5 years), I lose. Nothing has gone how it was supposed to go. There's no support. there's no plan.

Some part in the back of my head keeps smiling and well, grinning actually, and saying.. don't worry honey - it's all going to be fine.. you'll see.. and not in a patronizing way - but in a knowing way. I wish I had her insight. I wish I knew what it was that she knew - because the rest of me is worried about what I'm going to do now - and knows that right now - there's no where to go, nothing to do, but she can't stay here.

As things stand right now, I'm looking at destitution within the next year if not sooner. Once child support changes next September, my "income" halves and I have no way to pay rent or bills or anything else. I can't let this happen.

I feel so lost.. I have a goal, I have a purpose, I have an acceptance! and I can't use it. I don't understand.

Where to go from here?

I have no idea... my mind has been such a swirly mess of coherent and incoherent thoughts for the last few days I can't even begin to sort them out.
I had the lovely experience of remembering that I was an attractive, sexual being last night. Yes I know.. I didn't do anything that I truly regret and that's good. To make a long story short I spent a short bit of time kissing a very beautiful and very young (22) year old man. He was/is completely and totally wrong for me and I know and knew this at the time - but I like to look at it as us sharing something that each other needed. I have no idea if this will change my perspective or availability or willingness to become involved with anyone, but at least it was nice while it went on. He was/is quite beautiful and not a bad kisser.. this was nice.

The time that we spent together reminded me full throttle of what it is that I want and what I'm looking for in a lover. He wasn't it. I'm grateful for the clarification - tremendously grateful. I wish that I could manifest what I am looking for. Of course it's a tall order but I think it's doable. And when the time is right, this person will appear - not until then. And perhaps they won't appear - and that means that the time isn't right - and that's ok as well.

I made it down to the water today at the end of the eclipse. I had hoped to get there before it started but I was slack and being lazy - nothing like rushing until the last minute. The stronger I focused on moving energy the bigger the waves got. It was interesting and a little bit scary. The currents were SOOO strong and carrying me down the beach. Finally I walked out and the waves were crashing on me, almost pushing me out as I walked away - we're done with you - they said.. I understand. I think it's inevitable that our relationship is coming to a close. I hope the water is as ok with it as I think I am.

Grey called me as I was on my way down to the water. I told him about the eclipse and how we're supposed to be focusing on new beginnings.. he's still assuming that we're moving. I hope he's right. Regardless of whether things come through so we can move - I know that I need to refocus my energies on several new things. I've been waiting and waiting for this major shift to start over. Regardless of my geographic location - I need to startover. I really need to surround myself with people that align with where I am. Despite how beautiful they may be.. 22 year old men don't seem to cut my idea of romantic partners. People who use drugs don't appeal to me. People obsessed with society and appearances don't align with my ideals. People interested solely in physical relationships don't share my energy. There's nothing wrong with me focusing on making my financial life easier. I'm acknowledging that and I really want to take that bull by the horns, so to speak. I have some ideas. Learning the circumstances over the next week or so will help with making those plans. I'm only waiting to find out the geography and what goes with it - not anything else. I think that leaving will be easier in that respect but I don't know.

There's a lot to think about.
I am soooo grateful for the clarity that's come over this time since Wednesday afternoon really. I'm grateful for the ideas that have come, the energy from people that I've been in contact with and have met. I'm grateful for the sharing that people have given - even when they didn't realize it.. and I'm grateful for the support.. SOOO grateful for the support - from friends, from family (yes thank you Mom and DAD!!!) and from Grey who has got to be the most amazing kid ever. I hope that we are able to move just for the amount of energy that he's put into this.. Bless his sweet ginormous heart. That kid could heal the world.

I feel an enormous amount of love and hope. I'm doing my best (I hope) to quash the voice of fear. It gets smaller and smaller.

Feeling impotent...

My mood hasn't really changed.. The problem is that I keep thinking. yeah I know..

I wish that I had more guidance about what was happening and what I need to be doing right now. There was no mail today, not that that surprises me. So there is, in essence, no decision and no destination. So what do I do now? Sit and watch tv? laundry? ok, I can do laundry.. that needs to be done no matter what. That's what I'm trying to do - the stuff that needs to be done anyway. It would be more helpful though if I knew that I had to put all the furniture up for sale, or that I had to finish packing everything, or that I had to make other arrangements for stuff.. I really just want to know. I need to know. I'll deal with the fallout. I'm good at that. Even though it might or might not make me happy. Even though it might be an adjustment etc, I will deal with it.. (there's positive and negative fallout of course).
I just need to know what to do... Fear of the unknown? is that at play here? I guess so...

I feel like I planned ahead a lot but there are a lot of things left undone because I've been waiting for this decision. I know that there's a lot of work that I need to do to get out of here and also that I need to come up with some money. But then again, my boss owes me a good bit of money and that would help. Jamie owes me money as well - a rather large amount actually.  it'll be harder to get that than it will be to get money from my boss I think - although it always feels like he's trying to stiff me for what he owes me (my boss). perhaps if I let go of that thought he will start paying me in a reasonable amount of time. That would be nice. I'm still hopeful.

and that's the thing.. for as much as I obsess and worry.. I'm still hopeful.. the eternal optimist in the end. I know it will all work out - why? because it always does. The problem is that I think I've become attached to a specific outcome. Even with all of my lee-way in there I'm attached. Expecting THIS to happen. That might not be the case. It might be something else that I'd considered or not considered. As the magistrate said in court the other day - not everybody is going to be happy here - in fact you both might not be. That's something that I will have to live with. Regardless of what the decision is, I know that I have to make it work -and I have to do that gladly and with a healthy heart. I think that that might be the hardest pill to swallow so to speak.. especially if there's struggle and further strong regrouping involved...

The impotence comes in where I feel like there's nothing I can do at the moment to really get things moving... because I'm waiting on the decision to well, decide mine and the boys' futures... until that happens the only thing I can do is either go out on a limb - which might not be a bad thing.. do nothing.. not usually a good idea.. or do what needed to be done anyway.. perhaps I'll do a mixture of all 3 until things come through...i'll still probably feel impotent, but at least I'll know that I'm really not...

pre-occupation?

both twists to this... pre-occupation being before my occupation and also the idea of being occupied with something else...

yesterday morning I was freaking out... mostly because of the uncertainty of everything right now.. not knowing how to procede.. what I'm supposed to be doing.. what is going to happen etc. I really don't know what will happen. The pessimist in me thinks that we will have to stay and I'll have to regroup. The rest of me wants to fly. Either way I need to get ahold of the pessimist part and beat the shit out of her.

Regardless, I tried to focus yesterday afternoon on anything but thinking/worrying about the uncertainty. It worked and I'm feeling better. I went to the Blueberry Patch last night and talked with some great people, some interesting people, and some interesting but extremely intoxicating people. It reminded me of 2 things. There MAY be people in this area that I can associate with that aren't trashed all the time and that most of the men that are attracted to me want me for sex and/or are not what I'm looking for. My thought this morning in all of this is.. why at the last minute would I come into contact with people that I might actually get along with right before I leave? Maybe there's something to be said for that - maybe it's so I won't have a bad taste in my mouth as I'm leaving and send some healing energy to this place. I acknowledge that I can do that and probably "should". And so I'm doing that right now. I have been unduly harsh to this area over the last year. I acknowledge that, regardless of the "energy" here, I created my own reality and I am the only one that fixes it. If I fell prey to any energy surrounding it, then that is something that I need to be more sensitive of and responsive to.
While I still would prefer to move out West, or at least somewhere where I feel more comfortable, I acknowledge (and I think I've been aware of this) that there will be challenges to doing so. I know that I need to be more conscious of a lot of things as I'm doing this.. my relationship with money, my ability to reach out to others and ask for help in whatever capacity, and my willingness to submit to and create connections with people. Connections are something that I crave and yet I hold back on them dearly. A lot of this is done in fear but some of it is done (or not done as it were) in arrogance - believing that I am the only one - that no one will be where I am... I think this is foolish no matter how likely or unlikely the possibility is. The truth is that I won't know unless I extend myself in that way.

The financial issues are something else entirely. I've had a very linear non-relationship with money for quite some time. The truth is that I have no idea how to handle money and yet I do know. I could be a lot more responsible and a lot more responsive and creative with it. This is something that I need to keep and hold conscious in my heart and in my mind. For the last year especially I have been living "paycheck to paycheck" basically - barely surviving, juggling and falling behind on my bills. This causes me an INTENSE amount of stress.  It's a horrible position to be in and I despise the fact that I've put myself in this situation. My plan for getting out of it is to, well, in a sense, go more into debt. This is the American way, right? I know that I won't be able to (at least with my current mindset) be able to make any money/have a career in anything, unless I go back to school and complete some line of study. And so that's where the debt comes in. I'm ok with that as long as I put forth every effort to plan for the future and work towards the goal of financial security.. not necessarily in the sense that others might do so - but in the sense of not having to worry and fret from paycheck to paycheck, depend on any other resource for money, or fall behind on any bills etc.

I would really like to not have to depend on anyone else for money. I hate the fact that I receive child support and can't currently support myself and the boys. This is something that I want to change. I appreciate it. I'm grateful for it - especially now that I've needed it and it's helped tremendously. but I'd prefer to not need it. In other words, I'd prefer to be financially independent. Please don't misconstrue that Universe.
I would like to have an occupation that aligns with my morals/ethics, abilities, passions that provides for my family and ambitions.
My hope is that I'll be able to complete my medical degree and set up a practice that will help me do that. I think this is feasible. I am still hoping that the courts will let us leave, even though that damn part of me is giving me backtalk as usual.. how do I shut that thing up?????

Regardless of what happens, this is one of the goals I want to work for - to be self-sufficient, independent, and be able to take care of myself and the boys on my own.

I realize that I need to let down some walls as well, and be willing to connect with others on a different level than I have been. It's been hard for me to put myself out there.. I'm not entirely sure why.. I know fear is a big aspect of that but there's more to it. I do feel, a lot, like I'm an "island" of sorts. So many people that I meet just don't feel aligned with where I am. A lot of people that I "meet" long distance feel closer and that's one of the reasons why I want to move - to be closer to where that energy is. I need to recognize though that geography means very little and to an extent, that can be overcome. Not by me, the voice says.. STFU stupid voice. I may be constrained by some limitations. If necessary, I think these can be overcome - it may take a bit of work but it can.. I have faith. I need to remind myself that wherever I am is where I am supposed to be for that time and accept that. It's hard sometimes.

While I relish the silence and to an extent the lack of activity, I also acknowledge that I crave being busy and when I'm not I have WAY too much time to myself to think. I obsess, I conspire against myself, I plot, I obsess, I obsess, I obsess.. did I say I obsess? oh yeah, I obsess. I worry about things that I could either put energy towards fixing instead of worrying about, or have no business worrying about. I tend to create the situations that I get into by worrying them into being. I really want to stop that. I really want to actively be creating my circumstances in a positive manner.

Ideally..
I would like to move to Arizona and get settled in a house with the boys. I want to be comfortable. I want to take control of my finances - by being resourceful, by bringing in enough money to set up house, be comfortable, pay my bills, save up money just in case, and even start to pay down my loans. I'd like to be able to pay down my loans at least to the point of paying off the interest every year until I have to go into repayment. My hope is that a) some of the loans will be forgiven without indentured servitude. b) that I can find a way to easily repay them - whether it's by contributing service towards a worthy organization like indian health services, or paying them back c) that I'll be able to repay some of them while I'm in school d) that I'll be able to set up a lucrative enough practice to not only be able to pay off my loans, but to buy/renovate a house comfortably, build the family, finance the boys' education, and whatever else. I want to be able to finance vacations and trips back and forth for the boys. I think that's very important and of course the trips back and forth will be crucial legally. I think I can do that. I have to make it a priority to save for that before I do anything else with any money that I receive. I want to meet someone that I can have a real relationship with there - someone to build the family with. I want to build a community there - a real one - one like what I have in mind. The kind of support network that I've been dreaming of with really close friends and gatherings and really becoming a family. I want to let my guard down so I can make that or let that happen. It's important. While the boys and I are a real family.. I want a REAL family.. the kind with stability and cheesy family events and pictures on the walls and stuff.. That's what I want to build in Arizona. There's so much that I want to do and I feel like it would be better facilitated there. I want them to grow up big and strong and to be real respectful men. I want them to be happy. I want them to have stability. I think that I can provide that. So, now we wait and see what happens... where it happens.. and how is kind of irrelevant...although somewhat....open mind, open heart, open healing.. I need to work on that...

and now we wait...

I'm so frustrated, and tired.
Yesterday was the hearing to decide if I could move and go to school and take the boys with me. I went in and presented my case. I did everything I could. Jamie blathered on and on and made up a lot of stuff. The magistrate couldn't decide. She said she had to look at all of the information and sleep on it and then she'd let us know what her decision was. I thought I was pretty good about taking the high road. I probably could've been better, and now I'm kicking myself for it. I'm angry with myself. Of course I am. Because now, everything hangs in the balance of one woman's decision, and it's not mine. I'm so tired of giving or feeling like or whatever someone else has control over me. This has been a thread in my life for quite some time and I'm over it. I want to build for myself MY life. I want to hold the cards and call the shots. I'm tired of this. I'm disappointed and don't know what to think.

I want so badly to move on from this. To move on from the life that I've created here and start over would be so amazing. I feel like I've outgrown the area and that the kids have outgrown the area and we just need to move away and start over. I don't feel like I can accomplish what it seems like I was meant to do here at all. I can't learn what I was meant to learn. I can't go where I need to go. The "family" just isn't here and neither is the Energy. We have one support person here and she has her own life to be lived. I have felt more and more that we are finished here and will be moving on. I hope that that's right.

It's hard to be positive about this, and I know that I need to put focused energy on myself out in Arizona until we find out what her decision was. I guess that I should continue packing and preparing for the move as if it is still going to happen. I hope it does. I need this. The boys need this. I'm tired of being stuck in the negative.
I'm ready to move on.

24 hours...

I'm not a nervous wreck, but I'm not far off.. Tomorrow is a big day.. 24 hours from now we should know whether the courts will allow us to move or not. My witness, I think, fell through (I haven't heard from her). I also haven't heard from the other person that was supposed to write a letter for us. So that makes me very nervous. Hopefully I'm just freaking out over nothing and it will be very cut and dried.

Today I'm trying to pull together a lot of random information. There's a lot of stuff that's "hear-say" basically and a lot that isn't. So I need to make sure that I provide as much "proof" as posible. That may be hard. My involvement with the kids and their activities isn't up for debate though. Hopefully that will speak for itself.

I keep thinking about stuff that I should say or do or bring or whatever and it seems that things keep coming to me. I know we could be there for a whole day but obviously won't have that much time.

I don't want to give any power to the idea of 'what ifs' and so I really haven't considered them.. although I know they exist. I'm anxious and hopeful that the magistrate will listen to things objectively and things will go in our favor. I feel bad for jamie but I'm hoping that it will, in the end, improve the relationship that he has with the boys. Re-arranging priorities can do that sometimes. *crossing fingers*

This is the last bit of research. My nerves are shot....

Being a girl...

It does happen from time to time, that I actually become, a girl.. not in appearance - I can wear a dress like the best of them - and actually prefer skirts to anything else.. but in that bitchy kind of girl attitude.. you know, the one that gets girls into catfights.. yeah.. that's the one.

So I friended someone on FB that I knew back in college. We'd sort of kept in contact over the years (since 2001 I guess) and talked on the phone, email, whatever. At one point I really thought that he was interested in me but we were long distance and he was with someone else. She subsequently got pregnant and well, they're still together. Anyway, I just saw her for the first time today (picture), and I thought to myself. "She's not even pretty, why would he want her over me?" Of course now all the self-doubt comes into play (like I needed any help there) and I start analyzing myself. I know I have flaws.. many.. and I know where some of that gets in the way of me being with other people.. BUT, there are some things that I don't understand - and this is one of them... How a guy can tell me that I'm wonderful and smart and funny and converse with me and admire me for how I act etc.. and then go be with someone else. It makes me think that I'm just not enough as a woman. That some part of me needs to be different in order for guys to like me or that I need to change my attitude, appearance, whatever.

There are things that I need to work on. I get that.. things about myself that I don't particularly think are the best. My appearance is one of them. My style is another... but that's MY perspective.. not because someone else has told me so. And while I might work on them half-assed (yes I do some things half assed even though I LOATHE to admit it), at the point when I'm serious about it - I'll get it done. I must not be there yet because it's not done.. I accept that. But, I hold true that if I'm going to change for anyone, it's going to be me. I'm not going to be anything other than myself. Yes that man is beautiful and I thought we were a good match, but he had one fatal flaw... he wasn't that into me. For whatever reason that may not have anything to do with me, he wasn't.. and so that's the end. No more. End of Story. Someday maybe I'll meet someone who is into me for who I am. I think that would be the only way that I could be with anybody.. no changes, no competition (with someone else), just me...

I like to think that people are perfect the way they are. At the point where we start picking them apart then we are the ones that fall away. if we're unhappy with ourselves, then we have the power to change it.. no one else. changing for someone means nothing. So maybe the battle is learning to be happy with ourselves.. perhaps that's the only change that ever needs to be.

Nothing like waking up in the morning to....

The realization that your bank account is nearly zero. I live a fairly frugal life. I don't spend a lot of money on extras. Yes I do imbibe in an occasional slurpee and for my health I should probably stop doing that.. but it's sooo frustrating to be living from check to check. My boss currently owes me a substantial amount of money. I have no idea when I'll be receiving any of it. In fact, he owes me money going back to May - money that he claims has already been paid to me but he won't go back and trace it to see if it's cleared his account or cut me a new check since it hasn't. We're somewhere around $1400. That would finance me for the next few weeks and finance my move out to Arizona with some left over. Jamie owes me a substantial amount of money. I'll be surprised if I ever see a dime of that and I'm likely to end up paying more money in that respect because he won't pay the boys' medical bills. It's sooooo frustrating. Why can't people do what they're supposed to do. I'd love to be able to pay all of my bills on time, in full. The only things I'm "current" on are my cell phone and my electric, and I guess my rent. Although I just paid it - for last month. So I guess I'm behind again as of today because I don't have it to pay today and won't for probably a week. I have $132 to last me a week or until I get more money from somewhere. I've got stuff for sale on craigslist.

I really wanted to take the boys somewhere on Friday and I don't think that I can afford to do that. I wanted to take them to Aquatica or something. Even with our passes it would cost ~$40 for us to go for the day - this is assuming that I don't need to buy gas which I probably will. I've got to figure something else out. I'm very angry about my financial state and feel very much the victim. Back in the day when I made a lot of money I didn't think anything of it.. just spent it without really worrying about the bank balance or how much was where because I knew it would always have something in it.  Over the last year especially, since being out of school, I've struggled and struggled.  Maybe it's karmic payback for being wasteful. I suppose I'm still being wasteful by spending on frivolous things like slurpees and the occasional trip to the movies.

The thought occurred to me today that the magistrate would let us leave, but I wouldn't be able to because we don't have enough money to go. This would be more than frustrating. Something has to give. I have medicine that I need to pick up, that I can't afford to go get. That really REALLY upsets me.
I need to go do something else rather than sit here and think about this. There has to be a better way....