Being a girl...

It does happen from time to time, that I actually become, a girl.. not in appearance - I can wear a dress like the best of them - and actually prefer skirts to anything else.. but in that bitchy kind of girl attitude.. you know, the one that gets girls into catfights.. yeah.. that's the one.

So I friended someone on FB that I knew back in college. We'd sort of kept in contact over the years (since 2001 I guess) and talked on the phone, email, whatever. At one point I really thought that he was interested in me but we were long distance and he was with someone else. She subsequently got pregnant and well, they're still together. Anyway, I just saw her for the first time today (picture), and I thought to myself. "She's not even pretty, why would he want her over me?" Of course now all the self-doubt comes into play (like I needed any help there) and I start analyzing myself. I know I have flaws.. many.. and I know where some of that gets in the way of me being with other people.. BUT, there are some things that I don't understand - and this is one of them... How a guy can tell me that I'm wonderful and smart and funny and converse with me and admire me for how I act etc.. and then go be with someone else. It makes me think that I'm just not enough as a woman. That some part of me needs to be different in order for guys to like me or that I need to change my attitude, appearance, whatever.

There are things that I need to work on. I get that.. things about myself that I don't particularly think are the best. My appearance is one of them. My style is another... but that's MY perspective.. not because someone else has told me so. And while I might work on them half-assed (yes I do some things half assed even though I LOATHE to admit it), at the point when I'm serious about it - I'll get it done. I must not be there yet because it's not done.. I accept that. But, I hold true that if I'm going to change for anyone, it's going to be me. I'm not going to be anything other than myself. Yes that man is beautiful and I thought we were a good match, but he had one fatal flaw... he wasn't that into me. For whatever reason that may not have anything to do with me, he wasn't.. and so that's the end. No more. End of Story. Someday maybe I'll meet someone who is into me for who I am. I think that would be the only way that I could be with anybody.. no changes, no competition (with someone else), just me...

I like to think that people are perfect the way they are. At the point where we start picking them apart then we are the ones that fall away. if we're unhappy with ourselves, then we have the power to change it.. no one else. changing for someone means nothing. So maybe the battle is learning to be happy with ourselves.. perhaps that's the only change that ever needs to be.