In a word.

I've been absorbed in the throes of my own drama. I've had so many realizations, but no true solutions come to my mind. Since I wrote last I read the book Eat. Pray. Love. I'd recommend it to anyone that's going through a serious crisis of wills... In the book, Liz Gilbert, the author, tells a story about every place and every person having a word.. I don't remember what hers was in the beginning... in the middle of the book she's "in-between" although I suppose that's 2 words actually... and in the end it's atraversiamo (if I spelled it right).. which means "to cross over".

If you asked any clinician what my word was.. it would probably be "depressed". Although I would never admit it or condone it. Depression still has negative connotations in my mind. I still don't think it applies to me. Perhaps malcontent.. but that's not right either.. although a bit more accurate as it's true - I'm not content with my life. Even more accurate would be words like "stuck", or "waiting". Because even though I know I've been moving forward, in time or otherwise, I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere - or at least closer to my "goal" - whatever that is.

I shouldn't say that, because I actually do have goals. I'm just not sure they'll make me happy. And therein lies the problem. What IS going to make me happy?

I keep waiting for something to happen. I put the thought out there.. sometimes even the actions - or at least get the ball rolling... and then I wait... and everything seems to fall apart in the meantime. And at the end, I feel even further behind than I was when I started. Perhaps that's because I've now exhausted another possibility - thus chalking off one more thing that I now cannot do.

It's become painfully obvious to me that I'm doing far more waiting than "doing" towards getting from point A to B. Perhaps a Life Coach is in order, and yet that requires something I don't have - cash... what number is that problem in the scheme of problems I'm dealing with right now? 1, 2, 3, 8?
I know it's in there somewhere.

I've considered all of the metaphysics of it.. not sure that I find much value in any of that. What are my options? I need to think harder? purify my thoughts about it? project into the future what I want? try to see myself doing/being it? set the intention to the Universe?
I didn't have as hard of a time "manifesting" things, before when I didn't spend all this time thinking about manifesting them. That seems backwards... or at least a big step backwards.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I know that I'm affecting other people - my decisions and my actions are. This may not be a good thing. I've caught myself doing things over the last week that are "made for TV movie" shit. Why? Why? Why did I enter into something that I KNEW was not only going to blow up in my face - but ended up blowing up in other people's faces too? I'm sure I've seriously fucked things up.. I'll let myself off the hook a little. They needed to know what they were dealing with. But man, they didn't need that baggage. I don't know if it really made things worse over the long haul - but short term it sucks ass. Did I do it because I wanted him to show how much of an ass he is? Maybe. Bad motivation.

Actually, that wasn't my motivation going into it at all. I hoped that he would show some shred of compassion for me and the boys. I'd forgotten how selfish and confused he is. Well, "confused" is another word that could describe me. I'd forgotten that he'd never showed me one shred of kindness while we were together. Why would he do that now? I guess maybe I thought he had changed. I have. It made/makes me sad. I don't know how to resolve that.

It's also become painfully obvious that I have no one to turn to. I have no lover - nor do I currently want one. I have no close friends. I have my mother. I can't call up my mother and say "hey mom, i'm having problems resolving my issues with sex. you see - you told me it was bad and dirty and so part of me still believes this. I won't tell you how many people I've slept with, but it's more than one. Because of how I was raised, I'm not ashamed of this. So what should I do?". Not a conversation that I can have with her.
I only ever had one person that I could talk to on this level. He was my lover. He hurt me deeply, and I let him. And even still, I couldn't talk to him. It occurred to me today that I should call him. I won't. I don't even have his number anymore. Nor could I find it without talking to some other people that I don't have any business talking to.

So, I'm alone. Not just literally, but figuratively. I like it better, and I don't like it better that way. No disappointment. No loss of expectations. But there's also no one to brush your hair out of your face and no shoulders to cry on. No one to bounce ideas off of or to build excitement with. There are good and bad sides to being alone. Besides the fact that you only have to pick up your own clothes off the floor and you can literally sleep on the entire bed, you have to write down all your thoughts in places like this - because well, there's no one else to hear them but you. Blogs become therapy. Facebook becomes your only link to the outside world. You no longer really "know" anybody in person. And all the physicality of the human condition is lost. "Lost".

"Trapped"? Maybe that's a good word to describe where I am right now. But I did it to myself. I did. And for the most part, it was conscious. You see, all this "aloneness" was entirely manufactured by yours truly. And I've made it stay that way - despite the profound feeling of lack of connection with everything and everyone. I've sequestered myself in this place, and I've sequestered myself in this body. I've made myself untouchable - whether it's by lack of physical availability or by emotional. It doesn't matter. I know that I've done this. I know that I'm doing this. But I can't seem to bring myself to change it. I want so badly to BE someone/something else. I want so badly to DO something else. But yet I sit here and do nothing.

It's all so fucked up.

In the last year, I went from thinking I knew what I wanted to do and how I was going to get there - to maybe knowing what I want to do - but having no clue how I'm going to get there. Every plan that I come up with seems to fail - at least in the short term. I've never been very patient. In the last 10 years I've changed almost everything I know. From my marital status to my appearance. Some things have come around. I'm fat again. I'm pretty sure 10 years ago I was fat.. or close to fat. I'm back doing web work.. something which I loathe. I didn't swear I'd never do it again.. I just didn't want to. I feel like it's a waste of time - as if me spending time doing that is time taken away from doing something more important and meaningful. .. whatever that is. The boys are still here. But they're getting older. Monster the cat is still alive... but just barely... and there are a few other consistencies.. but not much. I never thought I'd see myself in this place.. in this space/mindset. It upsets me that things have gotten this out of hand.

My ambitions seem so far away from where I am. As if there's nothing I can do, short of dream/fantasize about them..as if there's no way that I could ever achieve them with where I am now.. And I think that's right. I can't. I can't achieve what I want with where I am now - with my schooling, with my brainspace with my circumstances. Something has to give.

It occurred to me that maybe I want too much. Is that possible? Unrealistic? Some people aspire to be multi-billionaires.. I'm not quite that crazy. But I certainly didn't think I'd be in my mid/upper 30s and not have any clear cut plan or prospects. I've literally started over from scratch - except scratch is a step up. I've got a 'family'. But my family is 2 pre/teenagers, that soon probably won't want anything to do with me.. and frankly will probably be more fucked up than I can fix given what they've had to deal with. I have no house of my own. No career. I don't have anything that I really want. There's no security. No plan. If I had a plan and things appeared to be moving in the right direction, maybe I wouldn't feel so uneasy about everything. But I really don't have a clue where things are going. "Clueless". That's another word.

Looking back a couple of years ago.. In the time between the separation/having to take a break from school, and starting back again.. I had a clue... I knew what was happening next. I let myself go. Granted, I did some pretty irresponsible things as well.. but I felt so free. It was all laid out for me. But that really changed when I went back to school. I tried to hold onto some of that freedom, but really struggled with being locked in. I think some of me just wanted to be free - to live my life recreationally and without any real restrictions. it was easier that way. I'd never had that before - not even when I was a little kid. It was nice. I think it was attractive too... to others.. or at least it appeared so.. but I felt better about myself than I do now.

Everything fell apart last summer. School died. My prospects died. My libido died. I talked my brain into total destruction and walked further away from, at least in a lot of senses, independence. This was the opposite direction from where I wanted to go. It's the opposite direction from where I want to go now. I want to at least feel like I'm working toward something - to be able to see progress. My mother says that we're further along the path just because time has passed. I don't really agree with that. I think often we can take steps back, at least partially. That's where I am. "Backwards."

I keep thinking I should write a book. But what would it say? People have told me I should write about my stories with men. That would have to be published under a pen name or after my parents were dead or too crazy to be able to read it and remember. I'd have to go back in my mind and talk about every dysfunction and every disappointment. I don't know that I can do that. I think most of the disappointment was in me than in the guy. Not to say that the guys weren't disappointing.. but you have to love yourself and give yourself credit before you can expect to attract someone worthy, right? I was into guys that were into me. That's how the story went. The only one I ever cared about was one I was into for myself. It turns out that he just wasn't all that into me. Sound familiar? Of course that made me doubt myself all that much more. "Doubtful."

Only once did I ever think that I attracted the kind of guy that I wanted. Turns out he wasn't.. because he left. Maybe I don't know what I want. Maybe that's the problem. I didn't used to worry about it. It didn't occur to me.. I did some research, made a decision, and I carried it out. It's not so simply anymore. I miss the simple days. It wasn't so much instant gratification, but it was closer. It wasn't this long, drawn out, painful process that may or may not be realized. It really was simple. 3 steps.  Wham, Bam, Thankyouma'am. just 3. think.make.realize. That's it. And somewhere in between that and this I lost that. Whether I lost the ability to act that way because I loaded myself down with so much bullshit or whether I just somehow became incapable of being that succinct. I don't know. Maybe it was never that simple, and I just have selective memory. Either way, it's not what I want.. Ah, see.. I know what I DON'T want. That doesn't help me.. the wanting part is more specific I think.

the next step is everything. I'm at a cross-roads. "Cross-roads." oy! what I do next will impact my life and the kids' lives forever. As if that doesn't happen on a daily basis anyway.. but seriously. My "plan Q" is something that I'm not all that excited about. It feels like I'm being forced to take on the family business, which just happens to be a funeral home, or working in the family hardware store - even though I don't want to. In reality, I wouldn't mind working in a hardware store - not as a career, but I think it might be fun. Not so sure about the funeral home thing though - dead people give me the willies. The thing is, if I take plan Q, then I'm settling in a sense. I don't know if I can be ok with that. I feel like I've spent most of my life settling. Whether it was settling for something or someone less than what I deserved or settling down. I didn't much care for any of those options. Now I think I've found what I want to do - what "might" make me happy (yes I know - only I can make myself happy), and I can't seem to bring it together. This makes me very frustrated. "Frustrated." That's a perfect word.

I do know one thing though. I can't stay where I am. "Stuck." may be appropriate for how I feel, but it's not somthing that I want to perpetuate. I'd much rather have words like "Healthy." "Creative." "Passionate." "Driven." "Loved." I'm sure there are a few more that would be appropriate. Maybe I can choose a word in between for right now. Although it's still not "where" I want to be - at least it's in the process of something. Perhaps that word should be.. "Thinking."

here we are again

it's 4 am and I'm wide awake...watching avatar for the 8 millionth time..wondering what I'm going to do
And what's going to happen. It's a bizarre state of mind. I met with an attorney today and she basically told me
That I was screwed...there was very little chance that I would win the case, but she didn't discourage me from filing an exception. She told me what wording to use and how specific to be. I got the impression that this was one of those situations where it was a shot in the wind, but maybe there's a chance that that shot might make it. We'll never know unless we try. I wish my mind was calm and I felt guided about what was going on. It's hard to grasp the idea of having to do something different. I loathe the idea of continuously being under his control.

she said that if I get a reheearing I have to either get a lawyer or figure out how to submit evidence. Also I need to take a different approach. I am not exactly sure what that is but I am already thinking about it. The only thing I think I can do at this point is throw him into the fire. If I give him, plainly, every opportunity to be involved...note everything, and he still chooses to not be involved then it will be plain and easy to prove to the courts that he doesn't care....I've already given him 2 opportunities to replace greys glasses and he's ignored both. When asked about paying the medical bills he said he was sorry that I wastoo impatient to deal wit his timelines. He said he should probably pay some of those bills and that he'd get around to it.

the attorney today said it wasn't uncommon for things like this to happen. I understand and historically I couldntexpect him to be responsible but I will hold him responsible. I hope that the courts do as well. I will, regardless of rehearing or not, pursue that. When I go into the courts to file the exception I will file the motion there and submit all of thebills and paperwork for the medical bills.

I wish I knew what would happen. I wish I knew what to do. I haate indecision - for all that I am I hate it. I hate inaction andoften one breeds the other. I hate having no clear plan or goal. Maybe I do still. Have one- but I need to expand my idea ofwhat all that entails.that idea probably merits someserious explloration.

I don't know that anything will come of it - I don't have much faith..but I mentioned to him the possibility of chicago or nc s a place to move instead of living here. I think I may also open up florida as well. Things may improve if I can create some distance but also stay a little bit close. He may think that's a tether but I know it will be different. There's a lot to think about. It looks like tonight is the night todoit.

where to begin.. where to end?

I don't even know where to begin... In the last day, everything that I was planning for has been lost. Everything that I've been working for for at least the last year has been lost. The magistrate ruled against me. I can't leave. I'm literally stuck here. I'm in the same position that I started in over a year ago... no prospects, no ambition.. just more debt, no savings, more frustration... except now there's a piece of paper that says I can't get out of it.
I'm still a little bit numb. I'm so angry. Everyone is telling me to fight. It seems like every time I fight lately (last 5 years), I lose. Nothing has gone how it was supposed to go. There's no support. there's no plan.

Some part in the back of my head keeps smiling and well, grinning actually, and saying.. don't worry honey - it's all going to be fine.. you'll see.. and not in a patronizing way - but in a knowing way. I wish I had her insight. I wish I knew what it was that she knew - because the rest of me is worried about what I'm going to do now - and knows that right now - there's no where to go, nothing to do, but she can't stay here.

As things stand right now, I'm looking at destitution within the next year if not sooner. Once child support changes next September, my "income" halves and I have no way to pay rent or bills or anything else. I can't let this happen.

I feel so lost.. I have a goal, I have a purpose, I have an acceptance! and I can't use it. I don't understand.

Where to go from here?

I have no idea... my mind has been such a swirly mess of coherent and incoherent thoughts for the last few days I can't even begin to sort them out.
I had the lovely experience of remembering that I was an attractive, sexual being last night. Yes I know.. I didn't do anything that I truly regret and that's good. To make a long story short I spent a short bit of time kissing a very beautiful and very young (22) year old man. He was/is completely and totally wrong for me and I know and knew this at the time - but I like to look at it as us sharing something that each other needed. I have no idea if this will change my perspective or availability or willingness to become involved with anyone, but at least it was nice while it went on. He was/is quite beautiful and not a bad kisser.. this was nice.

The time that we spent together reminded me full throttle of what it is that I want and what I'm looking for in a lover. He wasn't it. I'm grateful for the clarification - tremendously grateful. I wish that I could manifest what I am looking for. Of course it's a tall order but I think it's doable. And when the time is right, this person will appear - not until then. And perhaps they won't appear - and that means that the time isn't right - and that's ok as well.

I made it down to the water today at the end of the eclipse. I had hoped to get there before it started but I was slack and being lazy - nothing like rushing until the last minute. The stronger I focused on moving energy the bigger the waves got. It was interesting and a little bit scary. The currents were SOOO strong and carrying me down the beach. Finally I walked out and the waves were crashing on me, almost pushing me out as I walked away - we're done with you - they said.. I understand. I think it's inevitable that our relationship is coming to a close. I hope the water is as ok with it as I think I am.

Grey called me as I was on my way down to the water. I told him about the eclipse and how we're supposed to be focusing on new beginnings.. he's still assuming that we're moving. I hope he's right. Regardless of whether things come through so we can move - I know that I need to refocus my energies on several new things. I've been waiting and waiting for this major shift to start over. Regardless of my geographic location - I need to startover. I really need to surround myself with people that align with where I am. Despite how beautiful they may be.. 22 year old men don't seem to cut my idea of romantic partners. People who use drugs don't appeal to me. People obsessed with society and appearances don't align with my ideals. People interested solely in physical relationships don't share my energy. There's nothing wrong with me focusing on making my financial life easier. I'm acknowledging that and I really want to take that bull by the horns, so to speak. I have some ideas. Learning the circumstances over the next week or so will help with making those plans. I'm only waiting to find out the geography and what goes with it - not anything else. I think that leaving will be easier in that respect but I don't know.

There's a lot to think about.
I am soooo grateful for the clarity that's come over this time since Wednesday afternoon really. I'm grateful for the ideas that have come, the energy from people that I've been in contact with and have met. I'm grateful for the sharing that people have given - even when they didn't realize it.. and I'm grateful for the support.. SOOO grateful for the support - from friends, from family (yes thank you Mom and DAD!!!) and from Grey who has got to be the most amazing kid ever. I hope that we are able to move just for the amount of energy that he's put into this.. Bless his sweet ginormous heart. That kid could heal the world.

I feel an enormous amount of love and hope. I'm doing my best (I hope) to quash the voice of fear. It gets smaller and smaller.

Feeling impotent...

My mood hasn't really changed.. The problem is that I keep thinking. yeah I know..

I wish that I had more guidance about what was happening and what I need to be doing right now. There was no mail today, not that that surprises me. So there is, in essence, no decision and no destination. So what do I do now? Sit and watch tv? laundry? ok, I can do laundry.. that needs to be done no matter what. That's what I'm trying to do - the stuff that needs to be done anyway. It would be more helpful though if I knew that I had to put all the furniture up for sale, or that I had to finish packing everything, or that I had to make other arrangements for stuff.. I really just want to know. I need to know. I'll deal with the fallout. I'm good at that. Even though it might or might not make me happy. Even though it might be an adjustment etc, I will deal with it.. (there's positive and negative fallout of course).
I just need to know what to do... Fear of the unknown? is that at play here? I guess so...

I feel like I planned ahead a lot but there are a lot of things left undone because I've been waiting for this decision. I know that there's a lot of work that I need to do to get out of here and also that I need to come up with some money. But then again, my boss owes me a good bit of money and that would help. Jamie owes me money as well - a rather large amount actually.  it'll be harder to get that than it will be to get money from my boss I think - although it always feels like he's trying to stiff me for what he owes me (my boss). perhaps if I let go of that thought he will start paying me in a reasonable amount of time. That would be nice. I'm still hopeful.

and that's the thing.. for as much as I obsess and worry.. I'm still hopeful.. the eternal optimist in the end. I know it will all work out - why? because it always does. The problem is that I think I've become attached to a specific outcome. Even with all of my lee-way in there I'm attached. Expecting THIS to happen. That might not be the case. It might be something else that I'd considered or not considered. As the magistrate said in court the other day - not everybody is going to be happy here - in fact you both might not be. That's something that I will have to live with. Regardless of what the decision is, I know that I have to make it work -and I have to do that gladly and with a healthy heart. I think that that might be the hardest pill to swallow so to speak.. especially if there's struggle and further strong regrouping involved...

The impotence comes in where I feel like there's nothing I can do at the moment to really get things moving... because I'm waiting on the decision to well, decide mine and the boys' futures... until that happens the only thing I can do is either go out on a limb - which might not be a bad thing.. do nothing.. not usually a good idea.. or do what needed to be done anyway.. perhaps I'll do a mixture of all 3 until things come through...i'll still probably feel impotent, but at least I'll know that I'm really not...

pre-occupation?

both twists to this... pre-occupation being before my occupation and also the idea of being occupied with something else...

yesterday morning I was freaking out... mostly because of the uncertainty of everything right now.. not knowing how to procede.. what I'm supposed to be doing.. what is going to happen etc. I really don't know what will happen. The pessimist in me thinks that we will have to stay and I'll have to regroup. The rest of me wants to fly. Either way I need to get ahold of the pessimist part and beat the shit out of her.

Regardless, I tried to focus yesterday afternoon on anything but thinking/worrying about the uncertainty. It worked and I'm feeling better. I went to the Blueberry Patch last night and talked with some great people, some interesting people, and some interesting but extremely intoxicating people. It reminded me of 2 things. There MAY be people in this area that I can associate with that aren't trashed all the time and that most of the men that are attracted to me want me for sex and/or are not what I'm looking for. My thought this morning in all of this is.. why at the last minute would I come into contact with people that I might actually get along with right before I leave? Maybe there's something to be said for that - maybe it's so I won't have a bad taste in my mouth as I'm leaving and send some healing energy to this place. I acknowledge that I can do that and probably "should". And so I'm doing that right now. I have been unduly harsh to this area over the last year. I acknowledge that, regardless of the "energy" here, I created my own reality and I am the only one that fixes it. If I fell prey to any energy surrounding it, then that is something that I need to be more sensitive of and responsive to.
While I still would prefer to move out West, or at least somewhere where I feel more comfortable, I acknowledge (and I think I've been aware of this) that there will be challenges to doing so. I know that I need to be more conscious of a lot of things as I'm doing this.. my relationship with money, my ability to reach out to others and ask for help in whatever capacity, and my willingness to submit to and create connections with people. Connections are something that I crave and yet I hold back on them dearly. A lot of this is done in fear but some of it is done (or not done as it were) in arrogance - believing that I am the only one - that no one will be where I am... I think this is foolish no matter how likely or unlikely the possibility is. The truth is that I won't know unless I extend myself in that way.

The financial issues are something else entirely. I've had a very linear non-relationship with money for quite some time. The truth is that I have no idea how to handle money and yet I do know. I could be a lot more responsible and a lot more responsive and creative with it. This is something that I need to keep and hold conscious in my heart and in my mind. For the last year especially I have been living "paycheck to paycheck" basically - barely surviving, juggling and falling behind on my bills. This causes me an INTENSE amount of stress.  It's a horrible position to be in and I despise the fact that I've put myself in this situation. My plan for getting out of it is to, well, in a sense, go more into debt. This is the American way, right? I know that I won't be able to (at least with my current mindset) be able to make any money/have a career in anything, unless I go back to school and complete some line of study. And so that's where the debt comes in. I'm ok with that as long as I put forth every effort to plan for the future and work towards the goal of financial security.. not necessarily in the sense that others might do so - but in the sense of not having to worry and fret from paycheck to paycheck, depend on any other resource for money, or fall behind on any bills etc.

I would really like to not have to depend on anyone else for money. I hate the fact that I receive child support and can't currently support myself and the boys. This is something that I want to change. I appreciate it. I'm grateful for it - especially now that I've needed it and it's helped tremendously. but I'd prefer to not need it. In other words, I'd prefer to be financially independent. Please don't misconstrue that Universe.
I would like to have an occupation that aligns with my morals/ethics, abilities, passions that provides for my family and ambitions.
My hope is that I'll be able to complete my medical degree and set up a practice that will help me do that. I think this is feasible. I am still hoping that the courts will let us leave, even though that damn part of me is giving me backtalk as usual.. how do I shut that thing up?????

Regardless of what happens, this is one of the goals I want to work for - to be self-sufficient, independent, and be able to take care of myself and the boys on my own.

I realize that I need to let down some walls as well, and be willing to connect with others on a different level than I have been. It's been hard for me to put myself out there.. I'm not entirely sure why.. I know fear is a big aspect of that but there's more to it. I do feel, a lot, like I'm an "island" of sorts. So many people that I meet just don't feel aligned with where I am. A lot of people that I "meet" long distance feel closer and that's one of the reasons why I want to move - to be closer to where that energy is. I need to recognize though that geography means very little and to an extent, that can be overcome. Not by me, the voice says.. STFU stupid voice. I may be constrained by some limitations. If necessary, I think these can be overcome - it may take a bit of work but it can.. I have faith. I need to remind myself that wherever I am is where I am supposed to be for that time and accept that. It's hard sometimes.

While I relish the silence and to an extent the lack of activity, I also acknowledge that I crave being busy and when I'm not I have WAY too much time to myself to think. I obsess, I conspire against myself, I plot, I obsess, I obsess, I obsess.. did I say I obsess? oh yeah, I obsess. I worry about things that I could either put energy towards fixing instead of worrying about, or have no business worrying about. I tend to create the situations that I get into by worrying them into being. I really want to stop that. I really want to actively be creating my circumstances in a positive manner.

Ideally..
I would like to move to Arizona and get settled in a house with the boys. I want to be comfortable. I want to take control of my finances - by being resourceful, by bringing in enough money to set up house, be comfortable, pay my bills, save up money just in case, and even start to pay down my loans. I'd like to be able to pay down my loans at least to the point of paying off the interest every year until I have to go into repayment. My hope is that a) some of the loans will be forgiven without indentured servitude. b) that I can find a way to easily repay them - whether it's by contributing service towards a worthy organization like indian health services, or paying them back c) that I'll be able to repay some of them while I'm in school d) that I'll be able to set up a lucrative enough practice to not only be able to pay off my loans, but to buy/renovate a house comfortably, build the family, finance the boys' education, and whatever else. I want to be able to finance vacations and trips back and forth for the boys. I think that's very important and of course the trips back and forth will be crucial legally. I think I can do that. I have to make it a priority to save for that before I do anything else with any money that I receive. I want to meet someone that I can have a real relationship with there - someone to build the family with. I want to build a community there - a real one - one like what I have in mind. The kind of support network that I've been dreaming of with really close friends and gatherings and really becoming a family. I want to let my guard down so I can make that or let that happen. It's important. While the boys and I are a real family.. I want a REAL family.. the kind with stability and cheesy family events and pictures on the walls and stuff.. That's what I want to build in Arizona. There's so much that I want to do and I feel like it would be better facilitated there. I want them to grow up big and strong and to be real respectful men. I want them to be happy. I want them to have stability. I think that I can provide that. So, now we wait and see what happens... where it happens.. and how is kind of irrelevant...although somewhat....open mind, open heart, open healing.. I need to work on that...

and now we wait...

I'm so frustrated, and tired.
Yesterday was the hearing to decide if I could move and go to school and take the boys with me. I went in and presented my case. I did everything I could. Jamie blathered on and on and made up a lot of stuff. The magistrate couldn't decide. She said she had to look at all of the information and sleep on it and then she'd let us know what her decision was. I thought I was pretty good about taking the high road. I probably could've been better, and now I'm kicking myself for it. I'm angry with myself. Of course I am. Because now, everything hangs in the balance of one woman's decision, and it's not mine. I'm so tired of giving or feeling like or whatever someone else has control over me. This has been a thread in my life for quite some time and I'm over it. I want to build for myself MY life. I want to hold the cards and call the shots. I'm tired of this. I'm disappointed and don't know what to think.

I want so badly to move on from this. To move on from the life that I've created here and start over would be so amazing. I feel like I've outgrown the area and that the kids have outgrown the area and we just need to move away and start over. I don't feel like I can accomplish what it seems like I was meant to do here at all. I can't learn what I was meant to learn. I can't go where I need to go. The "family" just isn't here and neither is the Energy. We have one support person here and she has her own life to be lived. I have felt more and more that we are finished here and will be moving on. I hope that that's right.

It's hard to be positive about this, and I know that I need to put focused energy on myself out in Arizona until we find out what her decision was. I guess that I should continue packing and preparing for the move as if it is still going to happen. I hope it does. I need this. The boys need this. I'm tired of being stuck in the negative.
I'm ready to move on.

24 hours...

I'm not a nervous wreck, but I'm not far off.. Tomorrow is a big day.. 24 hours from now we should know whether the courts will allow us to move or not. My witness, I think, fell through (I haven't heard from her). I also haven't heard from the other person that was supposed to write a letter for us. So that makes me very nervous. Hopefully I'm just freaking out over nothing and it will be very cut and dried.

Today I'm trying to pull together a lot of random information. There's a lot of stuff that's "hear-say" basically and a lot that isn't. So I need to make sure that I provide as much "proof" as posible. That may be hard. My involvement with the kids and their activities isn't up for debate though. Hopefully that will speak for itself.

I keep thinking about stuff that I should say or do or bring or whatever and it seems that things keep coming to me. I know we could be there for a whole day but obviously won't have that much time.

I don't want to give any power to the idea of 'what ifs' and so I really haven't considered them.. although I know they exist. I'm anxious and hopeful that the magistrate will listen to things objectively and things will go in our favor. I feel bad for jamie but I'm hoping that it will, in the end, improve the relationship that he has with the boys. Re-arranging priorities can do that sometimes. *crossing fingers*

This is the last bit of research. My nerves are shot....

Being a girl...

It does happen from time to time, that I actually become, a girl.. not in appearance - I can wear a dress like the best of them - and actually prefer skirts to anything else.. but in that bitchy kind of girl attitude.. you know, the one that gets girls into catfights.. yeah.. that's the one.

So I friended someone on FB that I knew back in college. We'd sort of kept in contact over the years (since 2001 I guess) and talked on the phone, email, whatever. At one point I really thought that he was interested in me but we were long distance and he was with someone else. She subsequently got pregnant and well, they're still together. Anyway, I just saw her for the first time today (picture), and I thought to myself. "She's not even pretty, why would he want her over me?" Of course now all the self-doubt comes into play (like I needed any help there) and I start analyzing myself. I know I have flaws.. many.. and I know where some of that gets in the way of me being with other people.. BUT, there are some things that I don't understand - and this is one of them... How a guy can tell me that I'm wonderful and smart and funny and converse with me and admire me for how I act etc.. and then go be with someone else. It makes me think that I'm just not enough as a woman. That some part of me needs to be different in order for guys to like me or that I need to change my attitude, appearance, whatever.

There are things that I need to work on. I get that.. things about myself that I don't particularly think are the best. My appearance is one of them. My style is another... but that's MY perspective.. not because someone else has told me so. And while I might work on them half-assed (yes I do some things half assed even though I LOATHE to admit it), at the point when I'm serious about it - I'll get it done. I must not be there yet because it's not done.. I accept that. But, I hold true that if I'm going to change for anyone, it's going to be me. I'm not going to be anything other than myself. Yes that man is beautiful and I thought we were a good match, but he had one fatal flaw... he wasn't that into me. For whatever reason that may not have anything to do with me, he wasn't.. and so that's the end. No more. End of Story. Someday maybe I'll meet someone who is into me for who I am. I think that would be the only way that I could be with anybody.. no changes, no competition (with someone else), just me...

I like to think that people are perfect the way they are. At the point where we start picking them apart then we are the ones that fall away. if we're unhappy with ourselves, then we have the power to change it.. no one else. changing for someone means nothing. So maybe the battle is learning to be happy with ourselves.. perhaps that's the only change that ever needs to be.

Nothing like waking up in the morning to....

The realization that your bank account is nearly zero. I live a fairly frugal life. I don't spend a lot of money on extras. Yes I do imbibe in an occasional slurpee and for my health I should probably stop doing that.. but it's sooo frustrating to be living from check to check. My boss currently owes me a substantial amount of money. I have no idea when I'll be receiving any of it. In fact, he owes me money going back to May - money that he claims has already been paid to me but he won't go back and trace it to see if it's cleared his account or cut me a new check since it hasn't. We're somewhere around $1400. That would finance me for the next few weeks and finance my move out to Arizona with some left over. Jamie owes me a substantial amount of money. I'll be surprised if I ever see a dime of that and I'm likely to end up paying more money in that respect because he won't pay the boys' medical bills. It's sooooo frustrating. Why can't people do what they're supposed to do. I'd love to be able to pay all of my bills on time, in full. The only things I'm "current" on are my cell phone and my electric, and I guess my rent. Although I just paid it - for last month. So I guess I'm behind again as of today because I don't have it to pay today and won't for probably a week. I have $132 to last me a week or until I get more money from somewhere. I've got stuff for sale on craigslist.

I really wanted to take the boys somewhere on Friday and I don't think that I can afford to do that. I wanted to take them to Aquatica or something. Even with our passes it would cost ~$40 for us to go for the day - this is assuming that I don't need to buy gas which I probably will. I've got to figure something else out. I'm very angry about my financial state and feel very much the victim. Back in the day when I made a lot of money I didn't think anything of it.. just spent it without really worrying about the bank balance or how much was where because I knew it would always have something in it.  Over the last year especially, since being out of school, I've struggled and struggled.  Maybe it's karmic payback for being wasteful. I suppose I'm still being wasteful by spending on frivolous things like slurpees and the occasional trip to the movies.

The thought occurred to me today that the magistrate would let us leave, but I wouldn't be able to because we don't have enough money to go. This would be more than frustrating. Something has to give. I have medicine that I need to pick up, that I can't afford to go get. That really REALLY upsets me.
I need to go do something else rather than sit here and think about this. There has to be a better way....

What Dreams May Come? Seriously....

I could've sworn that I wrote something yesterday. I guess not.. maybe I just thought about writing.. Who knows? My dreams have been getting more and more vivid and have been having similar themes. Dolphins, water, etc. This signifies big changes. The most dramatic one last night had something to do with being in an enclosure and near a pool. There was a major flood and the sea level rose substantially and covered/filled everything with water. I was overly worried about how we would handle sewage for some reason. Given the drasticness (is that a word) of the situation the government decided to release a nuclear bomb in the water (gulf) near where we were. It created a large hole in the ground and the water drained into it so the flooding wasn't so severe. There was water everywhere. That was one in the series of dreams last night. I've been having 3 or so memorable dreams every night.

I hope the changes coming are good ones - for all of us, but of course I'm partial to myself and the boys. And given our situation I am nervous. Today I learned that the therapist may not be there or write a letter on our behalf. I'm hoping that I can sway her to do so, but I might have to deal with it if she does not. The next day and a half I have to spend getting paperwork together to present my case - as much information as possible so that I can be prepared next week since the boys will be with me until we go to the hearing. I hope that I collect the right information and I'm able to present it in a way that best serves our purpose.

Beyond that, everything else is moving. I still haven't sold any of the furniture yet. I had a no show yesterday which irritated me because I planned (didn't plan) the whole day around the fact that she was coming. No phone call - no nothing. GRRRRR.. stupid irresponsible people. I despise dishonesty. I know that there's still a little bit of time for selling things. Worse comes to worse I can donate and take a tax write off... I'm sure that I can find some people that could use some of the furniture as well. That I'm not too worried about. In other words, I won't be stuck with it and I'm sure I won't need to throw it away. I still have no concept of how much stuff will fit in our trailer. I guess we'll find out.

Reminder of Unfinished Business Day

As you well know Monday is always Reminder of Unfinished Business Day. It comes every week, and with it comes - well, reminders of unfinished business.
Today wasn't that bad of a day in that respect. I'm reminded of the biggest pending situation that I have to deal with - my ex husband and how he impacts my children.

the first few hours are always the hardest. As soon as they come into my possession it's a dumping of everything he's done and said over the last however many days. It's hard for me to hear all of it. He's buying our love. He's saying bad things about you. He's having sex with his girlfriend while we're in the house. The girlfriend wants us to move. We hate the girlfriend's kids. etc etc etc. Believe it or not, the ones that I like to hear are the ones that say - we had a good time. we did something fun... as long as that's not followed by  a but then he started being a "butt". Sometimes a part of me gets disheartened when I hear them say that they had a good time - only because I wonder if his ploys and games are conning them. I don't try to dispel it or quash it. Whatever emotion the boys have is their emotion - and they're entitled to it. I don't like it when Jamie talks smack about me. The boys don't seem to like it either. I don't  talk that way about him. It upsets me. It upsets me the way he treats them and the disrespect that he shows me and them. I just don't like it.

I'm hoping that court will solve this, but somehow I know that it won't. it'll still be there in some capacity. Maybe we just won't have to deal with it as much. I don't know. This will be one issue that I won't miss dealing with.

Beyond that, things are moving, I think. I'm not sure what I'm going to accomplish today, but it needs to be something - whether it's packing a box or moving papers around or something - it needs to be progress.. one less unfinished item to deal with. *phew*

onward and upward

Ok...

I feel a little bit better... After unpacking/repacking several boxes.. going through pictures.. ($*&# ex-husband, and WOW my kids are/were cute), listing a few items on craigslist, and doing some re-organizing I don't feel QUITE as bad as I did before.. I'm starting to  worry a lot though that everything isn't going to fit in the car. I still have all of our "every day" crap to pack which of course will be last minute.. and a few pieces of furniture. Even though I can get measurements for the trailer, I really have no concept of how much stuff will fit in it. And of course, there's box tetris.. which, I must say, is one of my favorites.

I have decided, however, that I've got more stuff to do today, including some vacuuming and more repacking..and that even though I REALLY should go to the gym, I just don't want to leave the house. I think I'll survive. I wonder what I can come up with for dinner.

oh well. back to work.

Frustration sets in...

Truth be told, it was already here.. but today has been especially bad. I never know how the day will go. Being an empath allows/causes you to absorb all the emotions that everyone around you feels unless you have all your shields up. I hate having shields up.

I hate reality TV. I loathe it... and at the same time, there's some of it that I'll watch. I like some of the shows on Planet Green: Wasted, 30 days etc. They do add an element of drama to things, but no forboding music and no staged for TV mess etc. It just is what it is. The point is to show you what's going on. I've taken to watching the show hoarders on occasion. This is not something that's scheduled to record on my DVR.. but if there's nothing on TV and I see it there, then I'll watch it. Well, last night I fell asleep watching it and I had recorded an episode. I finished watching it about a half hour ago.

I have a pile of packed, partially packed, and unpacked boxes in my living room. Sometimes, since it's kind of in the corner, I can just kind of tune it out. Sometimes I can't. Today, I can't. That pile of boxes has been there since ~ November. Growing, shrinking - whatever. I've been packing it since I was planning for the move to take place in January. I unpacked some boxes, repacked some boxes and tried to pack things much more efficiently than previously packed to get the number of boxes to less. I'm not renting storage and I'm not renting a moving truck. If it doesn't fit in my car and the trailer I'll be pulling - then it'll have to be shipped or left behind. End of story. Hard to believe that most of the things that I own fit into a couple of dozen boxes in the corner of my living room. The girl that used to have over 20 boxes of Christmas decorations now only has about 3. That's amazing to me. I guess I didn't really need all of that stuff - whatever it is.. Some of it was left behind with the divorce and some of it has been donated since.

I told Grey not that long ago that when I looked at that stack of boxes, I saw the hoarder's houses.. Things piled to the rafters and just mess.. He told me I was crazy. My mother is a packrat. all of her boxes are color coded, categorized and indexed. I'm not kidding. She's also a neat freak. While she's got cabinets and cabinets of stuff - figurines, dishes, etc. It's all neatly organized and regularly dusted. I can't deal with all of that crap everywhere. My house, especially since I've lived on my own, has always been spartan. I like it that way. Less mess to clean. Of course, it also makes it a bit plain. I'm planning on making things a bit more "homey" when we get moved. All that having been said, I'm not a neat freak. There is clutter. I can tolerate a certain amount of it and then I reach a threshold and I'm done.. it's garbage/donation/organizing/whatever for whatever that crap is that's laying around. It's hard to do that when you're moving? (yes I meant the question mark).

All of the uncertainty has made everything so tentative. While I feel in my heart that we're going, I fear in my mind that we won't. I hate to even put that in writing - it gives it power. So all of this uncertainty has led to keeping furniture that won't make the trip with us, but is kind of nice to have while we're still here. Beds, cabinets, shelves, tables, etc. At the same time, it's really hard to realize that we're moving when there's still a house full of crap. Ok.. it's not that bad, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

I can see that today will be spent in a combination of efforts: trying not to pull my hair out, trying to figure out how to pack a few things (like my wings and tutus), repacking a few boxes, picking up garbage and recycling, cleaning, organizing, and hopefully putting some things on craigslist. I put several things on there back in January and when they didn't sell I just didn't pursue it anymore. That needs to kick into high gear. I just can't deal with this anymore.

I also need to clear my head and I think calming the clutter and mess does that. I've already moved a lot of stuff around, prepped a cabinet to be put on craigslist and moved out of the dining room. gone through a cabinet and pulled the last few things out of it. Cleaned out/organized (a little) my bathroom supplies...and moved around some stuff... there's just so many things that I don't know what to do with or can't seem to get rid of... I've got 2 vases that I can't seem to part with and yet I know I've had that thought (should I get rid of these) at least 4 times previously.. one when I moved out with the divorce and at least 3 since then. Right now they're sitting on my counter where I will likely look at them and think the same thing a few more times before I finally either pack them or donate them. I've already got a box of stuff to donate to goodwill sitting in the dining room with everything from Christmas ornaments to  monkey t-shirts in it. When does it ever end?

At the same time that I'm doing all of that, I'm sitting here thinking to myself.. there's so much STUFF that I want to get once we get moved. Since I'm not planning on doing another cross-country move again (once I'm out there I want to stay out there), then I won't need to get rid of all of my stuff again. This is in theory of course. I suppose if I move up the west coast it could be almost or just as far.. Somehow I don't think that would happen. I don't think I want to be THAT far north... but anyway.. I hear myself saying this and think.. oh god - you're going to become just like one of them - you'll be a hoarder!

I can see that I may have had some hoarding tendencies in the past.. oh look it's on sale and oh look yes we need 5 things of bubbles or whatever.. but it's never been as bad as what they have on TV. When I helped my friend Krista clean out her mom's house I think that cured me of ever having much clutter. Krista's mom had been hoarding for about 5 years and compulsive shopping. There was garbage laying around everywhere, boxes, food, clothes, you name it... It was horrible. We cleaned out her house and I helped Krista start remodeling. The cleanout was great.. horrible for her mother. And neither one of us - Krista or myself, understood why/how it got that way. I see the mentality - holding on to stuff to ease pain.. some of us sometimes do it with food *looks away* or whatever.. but  I guess my inability to deal with junk underfoot keeps me in check. I think back to the days when my mom would ask me to go to the "back room" and look for something. Piles and stacks of boxes in this kind of scary, dark room and wondering what the method to the madness was - how it was organized etc. Now she's got shelves and shelves, and like I said everything is boxed, color coded, and indexed. it's still a disaster. I don't want to be like that. "Some" extra is ok.. it's ok to have 16 plates when you only regularly use 12.. it's ok to have 1 extra bottle of ketchup in the pantry, etc etc.. it's not ok to have 5 superman cake pans (all the same) that you purchased at Michael's because they were $1 a piece and it's not ok to have 200 canning jars when you only need 50. If you REALLY needed 50 more for a certain project - then go buy them for that specific project - but not just keeping them around.

Anyway... that all brings me to this.. I'm so ready to move on. I'm ready to be free of this space and this town and all of this stuff. I may get rid of another chunk of it once I get moved - although I'll feel stupid for hauling it all the way out there. I just am tired of being hindered/tied down here. There are a lot of things I'm tired of - like cleaning up after the cat.. I feel like she's destroying everything by puking on it or covering it with her cat hair. I'm tired of her  pulling bits of catfood out of the bowl and then stepping on them. I'm tired of getting up in the morning bleary eyed and stepping in a freshly hurled pile of cat puke.. I'm just tired of it.

I keep asking myself if all of this is necessary.. is it all a process of letting go? Will I regret it? I feel bad thinking bad thoughts about the cat, but come on... this is out of control. The excess, the packing, the cleaning, the moving stuff around, the selling, the WAITING... I would've been gone 6 months ago if I could.. it would've been insane, but I would've done it.. This is likely to be insane as well - but I can't wait to do it..

I hope that by the end of the day I'm not as frustrated - or perhaps not as frustrated by as many things. If I can make a dent in this disaster, it will be so much better - and if I can't - well.. it'll be the same story tomorrow.

from morning until now

Today I got up with the best of intentions.. actually I don't know what my intentions were.. but they were to do something. I was supposed to go help a friend with her truck at the Pride parade at 8:30 and then go to Hands Across the Sand at 11ish. Well, once I finally got to Pride (in my tutu and fairy wings), I found out the parade didn't start until 10. Fast forward.. I'm sitting in the truck at 10:40 and we are pulling out towards the parade route.. grr... ok.. maybe I'll make it..maybe not..

I thought that if I left around 11:40 I could still make it to Hands in time for joining hands at 12. Next time I looked at the clock it was 11:47 or something like that.. we were still on the parade route.. um.. maybe not..
Ok, so I shirked my demonstration duties. I'm very passionate about the cause.... BUT

But, I was having so much fun.. and I was happy to support my friends who are gay/bi. Of course everyone there thought I was gay, despite my little tiny button that I'd acquired from a very cute gay man that said "boy kisser". He had one too. He didn't seem offended when I took one from him (they were giving out both gender to everyone and had LOADS), but he did seem a little bit surprised... It was a BLAST.. I was dancing in the truck, outside the truck, while I was driving the truck.. Honestly, it's the most fun I've had in a very long time. Even amidst hundreds/thousands of men dressed in leather and harnesses, drag queens, and various and sundry other unusualties?(oddities?), I was still a novelty.. Still got my picture taken.. still got goofy looks. I'll never understand that.. must be something about me in particular.. just a freak.. maybe people see a kindred spirit.. maybe they just see a weirdo. I'll only regret it if someone walks up to me in the grocery store and says "Hey! Aren't you that girl from Pride that wore the tutu and the fairy wings?"... Then I'll shrink back in my hole. My only solace at that point is that I hopefully won't be here for that to happen.. Time is getting short.. Thank Cat!

I'm wretchedly sunburnt... some days it doesn't even occur to me to put sunscreen on.. today it was.. well I'm not going to be out all day and I've got glitter on and the 2 just don't work together.. excuses excuses.. I'm lobster! It's ok.. hopefully this will be the exten of the damage that my skin gets during its remainder of term in Florida.. I vow to make a strong attempt at thinking about considering putting sunscreen on for any further forays outside.. maybe. No, seriously I ought to because if I don't I may start looking my age and that would be AWFUL! *note to self - wear sunscreen or = old. ok.. now just to remember that..planning and forethought..

so during the rest of the day today I've been chatting with an awesome friend, and painting... I painted the upstairs hallway.. it was the last vestige of unpainted wall in this house (barring closets which I do not paint). I'm glad it's done.. it looks good.. much better than randomly black/dirt marked construction vanilla walls. it's a shame that completing such a largish project doesn't get more credit than a single cross off of a line.. *snif*. It was more work than taking down Forest's stars, or paying the cable bill.. it needs a party for such an accomplishment.. especially since it's taken me what? almost 3 years to get it done.. well, it's done.. now all I have to do is wait for the paint to finish drying and put the switchplates on... wonder how long it'll take me to accomplish that.. LOL the first time that I stick my finger into the open light switch and electrocute myself is when I'll do it.. no.. I'll do it before that... I'm not THAT bad (she says smacking her head from past experience).

I told another friend today that I was going "radio silent". Really I just didn't want to speak to him.. I told him that I wasn't answering phone calls or emails or responding to facebook until Monday. I wonder if I can make it that long. I'll probably respond to everyone but him (except facebook). I'm really tired of the current mentality of drama and that's what it all comes down to.. Everyone wants to speculate and blame someone or something else for the shittiness of their lives. Own up people - ya did it to yourself. Accept it.. no mother ship is going to come and save you from it... if you want things to be different, then change them. BTW, blame is pointless and accomplishes nothing. Owning that you screwed up - valuable.. beyond that.. it means nothing. The point is learning from your mistakes.

And so that brings us to now... and what comes next? I have no clue. I feel a Slurpee may be in my future.. my celebration for completing such a magnanimous project (ha!) or maybe I just want one. I also want sushi but that may not happen.. can't believe how expensive that stuff is....I'm looking forward to a quiet night at home by myself. I often feel like there's not enough and too much of those. After the last couple of days, I'm all over it though. Perhaps I'll read other blogs tonight as I did for a while today.. Perhaps I will fall asleep on the couch (likely). Perhaps I will ponder a "to do" list for tomorrow. Perhaps whatever... :)

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggghh!!!

My boss told me that he had a few things for me to do and then I should send him an invoice and I'd have a couple of weeks off... fantastic.. not that I couldn't use the money by working.. because man I could! (the dude owes me CASH) but I also could use the time to prep for court and get some stuff done to the house to move out (packing, painting etc). Ok.. I get stuff done. He adds more. I get more stuff done. He goes in and SCREWS IT UP! Then he calls me saying that I did something wrong. um.. HELLO?! So, I go back in, look at it.. fix his screw up.. and then send him an email. I should've just not given him the passwords... grrrrrrrrr...

On the other hand - literally, while he's screwing stuff up I have a little bit of time to start painting the upstairs hallway. It's about 1/3 of the way done. I'm doing it by brush because I can't bear to go to the store and spend money on rollers. After painting now 3 rooms by brush I've figured out that it's far more efficient paint-wise to paint by brush.. lots of waste with the roller. But of course it takes 2-3 times as long.. note.. short on money or short on time - whichever one is more pressing is which one wins. Of course the ecological advantage to using brushes is that they're reusable and you're not throwing away paint or disposable rollers. YAY! Of course, now I've got the shakes from trying to hold the paint pan still for hours on end.. I HATE the shakes... I wish I knew the extent of my nerve damage from the surgery/condition. It would make things a lot easier.. then I would know what my true limits are. Of course all of this should be fine within 24 hours of finishing the painting.. it's just a drag in the meantime.

Now that I've finished fixing all of my boss' screw-ups and finished my pan of paint, I'm heading out to the gym. I'm not sure if I'm going to do any more painting tonight or not. I'm toying with the idea of emailing someone about the pride parade tomorrow. A girl had asked me to help hand out her business card. I'm also toying with the idea of going and buying a t-shirt and making an anti-BP t shirt for Hands across the sand tomorrow. *sigh*

water and swirling vortices

It's amazing what phone calls and food can do to your brain. I think if I existed without eating my brain would be clear all the time.
So far today I have...
- filled out 1/2 of my student loan paperwork for school (couldn't do the other 1/2 because of system maintenance)
- prime/painted patched holes in the upstairs hallway
- taken the remaining stars down from Forest's ceiling
- emailed my boss harassing him to pay me

there's sooooo much more to do.. I'm overwhelmed.
bills to pay, gym, laundry to do, painting, checks to deposit (reluctantly)

Honestly, if I can get at least one of the bills paid today (drop off), throw some laundry in, deposit a check (atm maybe?), paint, and I'd really like to repack these 3 boxes that I've got that are hugemongous.. that would be good...
now if I can just budget my time and get my ass off this chair to go do it.

oy!

Fire?

Something must've lit a fire under my ass last night while I was sleeping, because I woke up with all kinds of energy this morning. Of course I haven't used any of it... I'm just gearing up... at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I'm going to attempt to tackle something I've been procrastinating on for um... a long time.. painting the hallway. This is the last area of this house that needs to be painted. Other than that, I only have touch ups to do before I can move out. I may mix up something special in the way of paint. We shall see. I'm too cheap to go out and buy a whole other gallon of paint. $40 for environmentally friendly paint is just too much on a moving budget.

So in the midst of all of that I also have some other random business I need to conduct. It'll be amazing if I get it all done. Things to do for school (which starts in 3 months! yeeeeehaaaaw!), things to do for the move, bills, whatever... mixed in with whatever else I can get done. Selling furniture.. oh yeah...right now it all seems so daunting.

Manual labor is the perfect time to either obsess about everything that's wrong with my life, daydream, or figure out solutions to daunting issues. I'm hoping for all three... and to chalk some stuff off of my to do list.

until then.

From the Beginning

This is how it all started.. Well, not really. We pick up the story somewhere not quite in the middle.. but somewhere in the middle of a journey. While I'm never one to do anything on a small scale, this time it's no different. I'm preparing for what I hope to be one of the greatest journeys of my life.

For the most part, the details up until now are inconsequential (why did I get visions of Dr. Evil talking about shorn testicles just now?). But suffice it to say, I'm 36 (what?), single, divorced, mother of 2 of the coolest boys you've ever or will ever meet. I've got interests from astrophysics to metaphysics. It really is my goal to change the world.

So, here we are, right now. This is how we got here. Welcome.